beklemmt | (no subject)

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[From here.]

For all that J has always had to be the one to urge S to be pragmatic and serious, he's the one who's driven entirely by his feelings and desires, by a mind he knows is warped and wrong without knowing all of why or how. It's hard to want things so badly and not to be able to trust that, or to trust the wrong thing, the wrong need. Finding a middle ground feels all but impossible sometimes, and he ends up pulled back and forth by a constantly contorting sense of logic — ruled by reason without knowing if it's actually madness, ruled by his heart while ignoring the things he loves.

Right now, in this moment, he feels sure of what he wants. There are doubts, there are fears, there's always a shadow cast over every damn thing he does, but he's sure of this much, at least. If he can't be steady, if he can't be fully certain of his own self, he can be sure of S. While that scares him a little, feeling himself trying to lean for support on the same person he tried to push away, the same person he tried to kill, it also feels like one of the more sensible things he's done in a long time. Judging by his willingness to take J back, S isn't all that much saner than he is, but he's a hell of a lot more trustworthy.

And he's sweet, and he's loving, and every brush of his lips, every place his body presses into J's, rings out with that. And maybe J isn't ready for this, because he's been through a lot today and he's worn out and emotional, and just being kissed like he's the most precious person ever to exist almost makes him feel like he might cry again. He knows he doesn't deserve this. It isn't the first time he's rushed blindly, though, into things he knows he shouldn't do or have.

"We," he breathes out, "we should —" He doesn't know. He isn't sure. He means to stop kissing S for a moment, but ends up kissing him elsewhere instead, lips trailing along his jaw, his cheek. "I don't know." Stop, his brain supplies, and slow down. Be careful. Instead he lifts his head again for another kiss.

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Between the sound of J's voice and the movement of his hand, S can't help but shudder a little, his hips canting forward and a desperate, encouraging whine in his throat. Like this, it's difficult to be sure of what, exactly, he wants, just because there's so much of it, and it all really comes down to J, just J, and whatever S can get from him. He believes it, though, when J promises to make him feel good. Maybe he shouldn't — maybe that's as counterintuitive as all the rest of this — but right now, he has no reason to doubt it, already feeling better than he has in longer than he can remember and still hungry for more. The things he does know he wants, the few specific desires that have taken hold in his head, save for the one he already gave voice to, he can't quite find the words for. It's probably stupid to be modest around someone with whom he spent a long time having regular sex and whose hand is currently wrapped around his dick, but still, it's been a long time, and some things are just difficult to articulate.

"I already feel good," he points out instead, like that isn't obvious, too. His fingers twist in J's hair, gently pulling again, a wordless attempt to seek out more. He does feel good, actually being touched by someone else for the first time in such a long time, their too-brief attempt at this on the couch earlier aside, but he could feel even better, too. And while anything is so broad, nearly impossible to narrow down for how much he just wants J, his own admission from earlier is what S keeps coming back to.

He kisses J again, deep and eager, before he tries to speak again, his voice a little rough and strained when he does. "You know what I want."

Even if he hadn't just promised him anything, J couldn't say no, not when S sounds like that. He said earlier how stupid an idea this is, but he takes it back now, in his head, at least. If it makes S feel good, if he wants it this much, then it might be the best idea J's had in a year.

It might even be the most stable he's felt in all that time, which is, admittedly probably pretty pathetic, but it's easier like this. When the world is nothing but the two of them making each other happy, when nothing else matters but this — it's easier, really, to feel like he's got some control over his life when he knows what he's doing. Even after so much time apart, some things are just engrained in him; even wanting so desperately to please, he doesn't have to get in his head so much about whether or not he's succeeding. He can tell that he is, hear it in the way S whines, feel it in how hard he is, how hungrily he kisses.

And while there are plenty of things J would like to do to him, and while there are things he wants done, and while he doesn't want to rush, he can't pretend giving J exactly what he wants doesn't sound incredible. "You want me inside you?" he asks, like it's any kind of a question, like he doesn't remember just how S sounded saying as much. He glances up at him for an answer before tilting his head to mouth at his jaw, thumb sweeping over the tip of S's dick. They could do this sweet and slow; they could take all day if they wanted. But he knows S well enough to know better right now. "You want me to fuck you?"

He'd meant, minutes ago that seem like so much longer now, to take his time, to do this right. S isn't sure that they haven't, though. At least they actually talked about it beforehand, instead of diving right into it like they did earlier; at least they know what they want and what they need to do to continue. Given everything — how long it's been, all they've both been through, how high both of their emotions have been running today — he thinks it must be pretty reasonable for them not to be able to keep their hands off each other, anyway, to still have the same desperate need from when they first started kissing back on the couch, just a little bit more tempered now, a little bit less thoughtless.

Besides, it isn't as if they'll only get to do this once. He hopes that's the case, anyway, believes that it is. While he's trying not to think too far ahead, mostly because, if he does, he knows he'll start worrying about the state J was in earlier and how resolute he seemed to be about wanting to die again, S feels a promise in this that he didn't before, a potential. He isn't just trying to grab hold of what he can, while he can. This seems instead like a start, one worth making the most of, but still just the beginning of something all the same.

He could still be wrong, but he prays that he isn't.

At least, he would if he could stop to think about it for more than a couple of seconds at a time, his breath faltering and a quiet whimper falling from his mouth at J's words and the sweep of his thumb. "Yes," he says, soft and ragged, instinctively tipping his head to the side when J's mouth drops to his jaw, his eyes falling closed for a moment. "I do." Only now does he second-guess himself, not for what he wants but for how much else they could do instead, what J might want. Steady as S might usually be, this isn't just about him, and it's been so long that this is now, again, uncharted territory of sorts. "If that's what you want, too."

J doesn't answer right away, partly because he's too busy kissing his way down S's neck, as far as he can go, and god, he wishes his shirt were off, wants to taste his shoulder, his collarbone, and still he's thankful that it isn't. It's also, partly, because, while he does want that, he doesn't want to answer blindly. There are so, so many options that it's actually a little bit of a relief to know what S is looking for so he doesn't have to make many choices himself.

"I do," he says, kissing the hollow of his throat. For a moment, it's hard not to let his mind drift, but this is okay, this is better, this is his mouth and not his hands, love and not violence. This is okay — more than, judging by the way S's breath catches, though that might also be because of the way he's still stroking him. Even so, he lifts his head again to look up, letting the sight of S soothe him. There's no fear there now, no sense of betrayal or hurt. They're fine. And there will be time later for other things, because he's here. He said he's here, he said he'd try, and he's going to, so they'll have time. Besides, he's not sure he can hold out long enough for anything else yet when just talking about fucking S leaves him feeling embarrassingly needy.

"Want that so much," he says, barely an exhale as he reaches up to pull S closer to him, brushing a quick kiss against his lips. "Want you so bad. But you're gonna have to get off me first." He doesn't really want that part, aching for friction or a touch, more, anything, but it's not like he can do this right with S still in his lap. "Get the lotion."

Distantly, somewhere in the back of his mind, S knows that he probably shouldn't feel so good like this. Being so close to, so vulnerable with, the man who almost killed him should be setting off every possible alarm bell in his head. It isn't fear, though, that makes him quietly gasp when J's mouth presses to his throat. He's a little relieved, if he's honest, about the fact of that, that he feels as safe with J as he thought he would, as he ever did. Even bringing him back here, he didn't think that J would hurt him again, but he's far more certain of that now. With everything that's happened today, J would have had every chance to turn on him if he were going to, and wouldn't have been so wrecked over the things he's done, either. S really doesn't want to think about any of that right now, but still, he's glad not to have overestimated his trust, or at least so far misplaced it.

"Okay," he says, breathless in turn, any momentary questions he'd had put to rest by J's agreement. Still, he can't quite bring himself to pull away yet, instead leaning in to kiss J again, his hips rocking forward as he does. It'll be worth it soon enough; it's just too difficult to resist the temptation to drag this out another moment longer, to stay close now that he gets to be close. Finally, though, he makes himself move, carefully, reluctantly pulling himself off J's lap and blindly reaching from beside him on the bed for the drawer of the nightstand he's hardly used. Given everything and how barely settled in he is here, it feels lucky to have anything they can use at all, however imperfect a solution; he'd bought lotion intending it to be for his hands, but this now seems like an infinitely more pressing use of it.

Bottle retrieved, he sets it next to J. Rather than chancing temptation and moving back in, then, S takes advantage of having shifted away to start getting situated on the bed, remembering just in time his earlier thought that he shouldn't lie on his back. It wouldn't be worth the risk to the fragile, wonderful peace they've finally dragged themselves into. He faces the headboard instead, hands and knees on the mattress and his heart lodged somewhere up in his throat with nerves and desire.

It doesn't take S long to get the lotion and move up the bed, but it feels too long by far, J's heart hammering in his chest, waiting, wanting. Still, there's a flicker of confusion, a moment of doubt, when S ends up on his hands and knees, not quite what J expected. Even having already thought about the last time he was on top of S, he's not sure he actually processed it entirely. He was too hung up on his own worries and desires to consider that S would be thinking about it too.

Maybe that's not why he's positioned himself like this, but J doubts that. He has to reconfigure how they're going to do this, though at least they have experience enough that it only takes a moment to do so. Reminding himself this is okay takes a little longer. He busies himself reaching for the lotion, applying some to his hands. It isn't quite right, probably won't be quite as helpful or comfortable for S, but they have to make do with what they have.

It's only then, heart just a little too fast but breathing steadier, that J crawls up the bed, too, ducking his head to press a kiss to the small of S's back where his shirt has slid up enough to expose skin. "Gotta get this off," he says as he sits up, sprawled beside S, one hand on his ass, kneading gently through his underwear. "You still sure you want this?" He says it as gently as he can. He doesn't want to make too big a deal out of giving S an out; he's not sure he can without dragging them both down, and he doesn't know how well he could recover from that when he has to focus hard on S just to stay steady now. Still, he doesn't want to do anything they aren't both comfortable with either.

The question sounds ridiculous, though S knows it isn't, not really. Even under more typical circumstances, it wouldn't be; it just feels weighty now in a way it never would have before. He knows why J is asking, or he's pretty sure he does. Temporary and necessary as his moving away might have been, it's easier to start to think too much now that they aren't so completely wrapped up in each other, and he isn't naïve enough to believe that everything from before has just ceased to exist because they've decided to have sex. So it's nice, reassuring, really, that J offers him an out, that S can trust that he would respect it if he took it. He just has no interest in doing so, half-desperate just for more contact now that there's such a lack of it, hard and flushed and breathless, shivering at the kiss J presses to his back, his heart racing.

Turning his head enough to look back at J over his shoulder, he nods, shaky but certain. "I'm sure," he says, sincere as a promise, despite his hoarse voice. It's tempting to make a joke about how obvious it should be, to downplay or dismiss the question, but without getting too serious about it, he needs J to know that he absolutely means this. He knows what he's doing here, and he wants it as much as he's ever wanted anything. More, maybe, for how long it's been since he's gotten to be with J like this and the fact that he had every reason to think that he never would again.

As if to serve as further confirmation that he's sure, S reaches up with one not quite steady hand to tug his boxers down. It's a little awkward like this, and they wind up twisted by his knees, but it's the best he can do on his own, and he figures J can help with the rest. "I want this. Want you," he adds, partly for good measure, partly because he just can't help it. "Wanna feel you."

They'll have to talk about it later, J knows. They're both too aware and they can't just pretend it away, no matter how much he wishes he could. For now, though, it's just a relief to hear S say he wants this in spite of everything. The rest can wait, pushed aside by the sight of S clumsily undressing himself.

J reaches out to help him, urging him to lift his legs so he can slide the boxers off and drop them to the floor. "Good," he says, hand running back up S's leg to his thigh to his ass. Just hearing S say these things, seeing how hard he is, cock hanging heavy between his legs, it helps clear J's mind again, putting him at ease. He wants this so fucking badly, but he'd back off in a heartbeat if S wanted him to. He just doesn't want to. "You have me."

He swats at S's ass, more playful than a spank, trying to lighten the mood, to distract. It's been too long. He's already on edge and he's barely even been touched, just taking a moment to look, gaze trailing from the way S is basically presenting himself up to his eyes, taking in the red of his cheeks, the need in his eyes. "So beautiful," he murmurs, tearing his gaze away as he leans down to press a kiss to the curve of S's ass, fingers ghosting along his skin, not yet touching anywhere especially sensitive. He's fun to tease, but mostly J doesn't want to overwhelm him yet. He promised to make him feel good, and it's going to feel much better if he takes his time working him up.

J's hand against his ass startles a laugh out of him, choked but genuine, his shoulders wavering a little but otherwise staying steady. As nice as it would have been to be better able to look at J right now, as much as he'd like to be able to touch J, too, this doesn't seem like such a bad alternative. Feeling J's eyes on him, his hands, that brush of his lips, not knowing just what he'll do next — it makes S strangely self-conscious, the flush in his cheeks darkening, if only because it's been so long since he was like this with J at all, but it's good, too. It's a little bit like its own kind of trust, and one he extends willingly, without hesitation or doubt. Whatever else is still hanging over them to be dealt with later, none of it changes that, and anyway, he thinks they deserve at least this temporary reprieve from it, a chance to feel good for a little while, to enjoy each other.

And he does, he feels better than he has in such a long time, despite the anticipation and the pleasant thrill of nervousness that rushes through him, despite how desperate he is for more. At the sound of J's voice, he shivers a little again, a barely audible whine rising up in his throat. It would be nice, S absently thinks again, to be out of his shirt, to have J be able to touch more of him, but even now that the scars wouldn't be especially visible, that doesn't seem worth the risk, either. It means too much to be able to have this to risk doing anything that might disrupt it.

"You think so?" he asks, a soft, teasing lilt in his voice, strained as it is. He knows J thinks so, has heard it before. Right now, though, he can't help it if it's nice to hear, not least when J is still, even — especially — now, the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.

There's something comforting about letting himself get swept away by need. It's better still like this, with someone he loves so damn much, fondness warm in his chest as he looks up at S. He's gorgeous, he always has been, but there's so much more to it than that. He is, without question, the sweetest, most thoughtful, most caring person J has ever known, maybe the only person who's ever really made him feel loved or worthwhile. It isn't fair for one person to be so attractive and clever and kind and talented, and it certainly isn't fair that he'd want to be with someone like J, but right now, J feels too needy to question it. Right or not, they both want this. There's no point in not having it. Why should he hold out on giving S what he wants so badly just because he himself is the one who's undeserving?

And it's nice to hear S like this, such a change from earlier. He almost says simply You know I do, because S should know that by now when he's told him so a thousand times, but it's been so long. Even with the two of them like this, how can he make any assumptions? He huffs softly and nods. "Always have," he says. S may be playful about it, but he's utterly sincere in return. "You're the most beautiful person I've ever seen in my life." It's strange, in the middle of how horrible he's felt today, and for months, to think suddenly how lucky he is. He is, though. This is more than he should ever have been allowed, never mind been able to have.

With another soft kiss, this time to S's hip, he smiles. It's starting to feel a little more natural to do so, less stiff. "And like this..." Love and lust go so readily in hand when it comes to how he feels about S. He runs the pad of his thumb over S's rim, gentle but firm enough not to be too much of a tease. "So pretty for me."

The response is a more serious one than S is expecting, and though he's short of breath already, it still knocks the air from his lungs for a moment. It isn't the first time — not even the first time today — that J has called him beautiful, but it means something all the same. Mostly, he hasn't thought much about that sort of thing, J's opinion on the matter the only one he really cares about anyway. But those words are weighty, might be a little moving, actually, if he let them be, if only because it's been so damn long. Months of J pushing him away were followed by months of grieving J, and he can't dwell on that for too long right now, not without bringing the mood down too much, but it still makes being here now, having J want him so much, mean even more.

Exhaling unsteadily, he glances back over his shoulder again as best he can. He can't get much of a view of J like this, but he still wants to see him, though it isn't as if he needs to be assured of J's presence with the way he speaks and touches him, S's breath catching audibly and stomach lurching with want at the press of his thumb. It's hardly anything yet and maddening for it, and S knows that must be the point. With as much time has passed since he's been touched by anyone, though — since whenever he was last with J, which feels impossibly far off now — he feels everything that much more acutely, his senses all heightened, his need overwhelming.

"I could," he starts, a belated response, but one he wants to get out even so. "I could say the same to you." Harder to hold back is the impulse to ask for more, but that much, he at least knows will be coming. Even if J doesn't believe it about himself, though, S has always found him beautiful. The least he can do is make sure J knows that he thinks so.

It's almost cute, actually, the way S looks over his shoulder, eyes dark and heavy-lidded but still somehow so sweet. Maybe it's just because he's already so desperate that everything seems wildly attractive right now, but it only makes J want him more. He's not expecting the compliment returned. While it's far from the first time S has said something to that effect, it strikes harder now than he would have anticipated. It shouldn't be possible for S to say such a thing and mean it, but he does; J knows he does, trusts him entirely, at least right now, at least about this.

"You should get out more," he says wryly, reaching for the lotion again. Its consistency really isn't meant for this kind of thing, but he'll take what he can get. From the way S's breath hitched when J touched him, he's pretty sure they're on the same page about that much. "Or don't," he adds after a moment, drizzling lotion directly over S's hole, then his fingers. His sheets are going to be a mess, but that was a given. "Don't want you seeing someone more attractive and changing your mind." He's just playing, really, tone light, but he's just this side of blurting out that he wants S to be his. It's a strange thing not to be able to say. He just doesn't feel like he's earned that yet, even if he's already made it clear, even if he thinks they both know that. Even if S would agree.

Finger circling S's rim, he leans forward to brush another kiss against his hip, one to his back, sighing into his skin. At this point, he feels like he's teasing himself as much as S, heart in his throat with how badly he's aching for anything. Instead, he tries to stay focused on S, slowly, carefully easing a finger into him — just a little, just enough to let S know what's coming, and then more, biting his lip to stifle a moan. It won't be enough for S for long, probably already isn't, but, as he works his finger in and almost out again and again, it's hard not to think about what's still ahead and how good he's going to feel. "Okay?"

Joking or not, the very idea strikes S as phenomenally absurd. Even if he weren't half-naked, on his hands and knees, having made expressly clear that he wants J to fuck him, that would be the case; all of those things just make it even more so. Despite already having a hard time catching his breath, he can't help the short laugh J's words prompt from him, one that quickly gives way to a bitten-off moan at the first press of J's finger. Just for a moment, it's almost, almost too much, but having to make do with only what he had in the apartment already, he expected that to be the case. Right now, just to be touched like this by J again, it's more than worth it, his instinctive tension already beginning to ease.

"Okay," he confirms, his head dropping forward again as he nods. The motion is a slight, unsteady one, but his voice is, he thinks, sure enough that J will know he means it. Although he wouldn't want to have to stop things now, fearing the turn the mood might take if he did, he would if he had to, if there was too much discomfort or if he changed his mind. It wouldn't be fair to either of them to do otherwise. Besides, the more J touches him, the better it feels. Once, it would have been familiar; now, it's practically new again, except there are no hands in the world S loves as much as those, hungry for more even as he knows they shouldn't rush this.

Not pushing ahead too far, too fast gives him a chance to collect himself enough to say what he meant to before, too, not wanting to let this go unsaid, either, despite the lightness with which J spoke. "I wouldn't," S says, soft and fervent, a little tremulous. "Change my mind. Never." Even if he couldn't do this after all, he would still say the same, certain that no one could ever come close to J in his eyes. As with so much else, he thinks that if that were going to change, it already would have by now. It's only ever been J for him, in every possible way.

Admittedly, J is confused for just a moment, at once so focused and distracted that he only halfway processes what's being said. When it sinks in, he nearly stops what he's doing — not because he doesn't want to or thinks S doesn't, just because it's still overwhelming to hear. Just being here like this is proof enough that S loves him, maybe more than J ever would have thought someone could love a person before he knew S. Every time he reaffirms it, though, J still finds himself awestruck, moved in a way he'd be hard-pressed to put into words or music.

"Neither would I," he murmurs. He thought he had — thought, at least, that he could or that, barring that, he wouldn't need anyone anyway. The last day has made it abundantly clear that he was delusional ever to believe that. "Never."

In and out he moves until he feels S start to adjust. Long though it may have been, his body remembers the cues he wouldn't be able to name in words. "Good," he says, free hand moving to hold onto S's thigh, as much to touch him as to help keep him steady. It helps, too, to keep him from touching himself at the same time. He doesn't want to risk getting carried away or bringing himself too close; it's been long enough that he's not sure how long he'll last as it is. "So good. Do you want another? Or not yet? There's no hurry. Just want you to feel good."

And while he'd like to accomplish that by undoing S entirely, bringing him pleasure until it's almost too much, that means pacing themslves.

Part of S thinks he should know that already, at least with what the two of them have already said today. The words cut deep even so, would make his breath hitch if his breathing weren't already unsteady. All those months J wasn't taking his calls or talking to him, he never really gave up hope that there was still something between them — he would have stopped calling otherwise — but those months of distance instilled some doubt in him all the same. So did the knife in his chest, in the time before he acquired J's notebook, though that really isn't something he intends to be considering for very long right now. It just makes it mean that much more to hear J say something like that now, and to believe that he means it. None of it changes what happened in the past and what they'll still have to contend with, but it does, at least, make the little spark of hope that they can make this work burn a little brighter. With this kind of love, and to have made it here, now, in spite of everything, S doesn't see how they couldn't.

If it also seems like it runs the risk of being a strangely emotional conversation to have while J is fingering him, he figures it's still not the strangest thing to happen this afternoon. It's worth it, anyway, all of it, to be able to feel this good again, both wanted and loved after being on his own for so long.

"Yeah," he says after giving it a moment's thought, gauging how he feels, not wanting to be too rushed or reckless about it, not least because he doesn't think J could bear to hurt him even inadvertently. There's an odd sort of comfort in that thought, too, as if it serves a reminder to himself of just how much he really does trust J, even now. "I do. Want another. Feels good." It's fragmented, probably not entirely coherent, but he thinks that J will understand.

J can't say he doesn't enjoy the view, but this position leaves something to be desired. He wants, right now, to kiss S and shower him with love. There was a time when he was good at that, he knows he was. Maybe he can learn to be again. If he can't undo the past, he can at least try to fix the future.

He settles for kissing S's hip for now, not wanting to stop what he's doing yet. S sounds too good for that, shaky in a good way; the little pause he takes before he answers helps, too, reassuring J once again that this is right. So, so much else is still wrong, but right here on this bed, for a little while, it doesn't have to matter.

"Yeah?" he asks, letting his teeth graze lightly against S's thigh. S sounds sure enough, if somewhat gone already, both of which J takes as a good sign. He's careful, though, working a second finger in alongside the first, crooking them slightly as he pushes in and out. He's always wished his fingers were longer, first for the piano and then for this, the better to play both with, but right now it's for the best. He doesn't want S to come like this, and it makes it easier to keep teasing him, even as J starts moving his fingers a little harder, a little faster. "Still so tight. You sure you're gonna be able to take me?" He has no doubt of S's answer, but he still likes to hear it.

In spite of what they're already doing, S gasps when he feels J's teeth against his thigh, as much for the surprise of it as how it feels. It's still a bit strange, being able to see so little this way, not knowing what J is doing until he does it. But it's good, all of it, and maybe it's because he already feels so desperate or maybe because it's been so long, but he thinks anything that would enable them to have this is worth it. Besides, he tells himself again, they have time. Later he can climb into J's lap again, kiss him until they can't breathe, run his hands all over the stunning body that he once knew so well, and a host of other things that he's temporarily put aside for how much he wants this, now. It still isn't enough, even as it takes him a few moments to adjust again, even as he feels the pace of J's fingers start to change, but then, he always has loved J's hands, too. Now is no exception. S feels certain, probably nonsensically, that no one else would ever have been able to touch him half as well, and he wouldn't have it any other way.

"I'm sure," he says, groaning slightly at the way J sounds and the promise in his words, his eyes closing tight before he speaks again. "I missed that. You touching me, you inside me." He missed a hell of a lot more than that, too, but none of that is worth getting into right now, and half-dazed as he might sound, it's still true. "Keep going."

S doesn't really know how else to say it — that the way J's fingers move is so good, that getting more just makes him want more, as much as he can get, for J to make him utterly fall apart.

With every little sound S makes, every gasp and pant that punches out of him, the rest of the world fades a little further away. Someday J's going to have to figure out how to tell him all the things that filter through the haze now, lust helping to keep everything else out. He'll have to tell him how important he is, how beautiful, how loved, how sorry J is to have made him doubt it. How sometimes it feels like S drives him completely insane, and sometimes it feels like he's the only thing keeping J from slipping back into madness. How he never thought anyone could really love him, not truly, until S gave him that and more.

And he knows he hasn't deserved it. Even before the last few months, even before he left, he could be a shitty boyfriend, he knows that. He knew it then, too. Knowing isn't enough. But, god, how he wants to deserve it, to be even somewhat worthy of the love and trust S gives him.

Maybe that isn't possible anymore. But he's worth the effort. Someday J will figure out how to tell him that, too. Right now, though, words alone are enough to send a shudder through him, unable to help thinking ahead. "Missed this," he agrees. "You. Being inside you, god, I want it." He's almost dizzy with it, hungry, a hint of a whine in his voice and too eager to be bothered by that. Scissoring his fingers, he carefully adds a third. "Tasting you. I want that later, too." It's probably greedy to talk about later at all, but he doesn't care. He can't see much of S's face from here, but he watches him all the same, working him open, trying not to let impatience get the better of him. "I want anything," he admits. "Everything."

It's good, so good, at once too much and not enough in a way that's maddening and incredible. The stretch of a third finger, and maybe a little bit what J is saying, too, pulls a sound from him that's somewhere between a whine and a moan, all pleasure, any discomfort temporary and fading quickly, and worthwhile anyway for what he gets from it. J feels as good as he ever did, better, maybe, for how long it's been and how impossible this should be; his hands are as intoxicating as the prospect of later, leaving S dizzy and still breathless, overwhelmed, really, but in the best way possible. As much as he missed J, and even missed this specifically, though it hasn't exactly been on his mind of late, he'd forgotten just how good it felt to be touched, wanted, like this.

Then again, he's not sure it was ever really quite like this, either, not coming on the heels of so much time apart and so many awful things besides. He won't think about that much now, but it does occur to him distantly that at least if they had to go through all of that, they get to have this now.

"Me too," he says, choked and desperate and too far gone to try to hide that fact, though his cheeks burn hot again, self-consciousness filtering through desire. "Anything." It sounds pathetic, or he'd think it would if J hadn't just said the same. S wants him to know, though, how utterly he's J's, and wants J to take what's his. He can't quite find the words to say that, either, at least not in any way that would make sense, but it's there all the same, a pulsing constant in his mind and his racing heart. He's always belonged to J in some way, and though S isn't the one who left, all he wants is to be able to come home.

When he said it himself, J felt as if it might be too much, too desperate. From S, though, it's exquisite. If anything, it's that it is so desperate that makes it so perfect; his voice is ragged, and the way he moans rings out in J's head, and he wants more of that. It's getting increasingly difficult to stay patient. The last thing he wants to do, though, is rush and end up hurting S in the process, at least in any way he wouldn't enjoy.

Though judging by the way S reacts to his touch, maybe J won't need to be so patient for too much longer. Three fingers should be enough, and he's already adjusting. "Doing so well," he says. He wants to ask S if he thinks he's ready, but he's not sure S wouldn't just agree. He's usually pretty good about thinking these things through, but J's just cognizant enough to know that neither of them are at their most coherent or wise. Though, to be fair, he's pretty sure no one should expect him to be either of those things within hours of having died in a fire he set.

He should probably be alarmed by how quickly he's able to push that thought aside now, but love and sex are powerful motivators, and S is both in one. "How do you want me, darling?" he asks, and it strikes him as silly to blush over using such a simple endearment, but it's been a long time since he used any sweet pet names for S at all. There was a time when the endearments came so easily and the dirty talk had to be learned, like all the rest of it, the two of them fumbling but enjoying every moment of figuring it out. He liked it better later, when both were so natural; it's odd for it to be reversed like this. "You want me like this, on your hands and knees? Or do you wanna ride me?" Both have their appeal for him. More importantly, though, both keep him from leaning over top of S. As much as he badly wants to, it's not worth trying yet. He's not sure he'd be able to handle it himself anyway, and he doesn't want to take any chances.

It's probably ridiculous, to be so flustered by a pet name. No, it's definitely ridiculous, S thinks, that hearing J call him darling feels so painfully intimate when he's got three of J's fingers inside him, but it's true all the same, making his thoughts short-circuit before he can try to formulate a response. On one hand, he can see how it sort of makes sense. Sex is just sex. Except it's never been just sex with J, and he's never had it with anyone else, so, really, that logic doesn't hold up either. Maybe it's just how long it's been, and how frayed things were at the end. Although even now, they're still all bound up in one another, being wanted physically is an easier thing to process than being wanted emotionally, even with everything that's already been said today. This speaks to something they haven't been in a long time, something he's not even sure they ever expressly decided to be again. He wants that, though, and he likes hearing it, something heady and addictive just in hearing J sound so sweet, maybe especially for what it's juxtaposed with.

Considering the question lets him mask his surprise a little, at least, and it isn't something he wants to rush into answering, anyway. "Like this," he settles on, stealing another glance over his shoulder in J's direction, though he can't see him well enough to try to gauge his reaction. As nice as it would be to be able to look at J, touch him, kiss him, he can do all of those things after. Mostly, though, he's just sort of relieved, if not entirely surprised, that J doesn't suggest being on top of him. S wants that, he does, but it has too much potential for one or both of them to react poorly. That isn't a chance he's willing to take just yet, not when they both want this so badly already. At some point, later, they can try it and see how it goes, but when this could far too easily break, it isn't the time.

"Please. If you want." It's a little contradictory, maybe a little nonsensical, but it feels right to add anyway — a sign of how badly he wants this and a way to make sure J does, too. His own desires aren't the only ones that matter here.

There is, he's pretty sure, very, very little S could ask for right now that he wouldn't be willing to give. There are promises he can't make or keep, but there's almost nothing he wouldn't do, and certainly nothing he can think of that S would want. This is easy to give him, to do just as he asks, all the more so for how sweetly he tacks if you want onto the end, always so considerate of J, like J isn't having to put in an effort to breathe normally and not touch himself for how badly he wants S. Position is next to meaningless right now.

"Please," he echoes, and he's pretty sure his voice actually shakes a little with how badly he wants exactly that. He's been half sitting the last few minutes, but he shifts onto his knees now, a little better able to see S from this angle. That's the downside of doing it this way, really, not getting to see him or kiss him during. They can make up for the kissing after, but he's always loved watching S during sex; he's beautiful like that, transported by pleasure, and, selfishly, J likes knowing it's because of him. "I want, very much."

That means he has to stop fingering S first, though. He slows his pace, giving S a moment before he carefully eases his fingers out of him. It's disappointing in the moment, he knows, but he'll make up for it soon. First, though, he crawls further up the bed until he can press his forehead to S's before kissing him on the lips, hunger tempered only by the awkward angle. "I love you," he murmurs, stealing another quick kiss. He has every intention of absolutely ruining S in a moment, but that makes it feel all the more important to make it clear how much he loves him. "You ready?"

More than, J knows — both of them are — but he still wants to check in, dropping a kiss to S's shoulder.

Necessary and expected though it is, S still can't quite manage to hold back a disappointed whine when J withdraws his fingers, already missing the contact, aching for more. He knows it will be worth it before very long at all, but at least for a moment, it's maddening not to be touched anymore. It pays off sooner than he would have thought, though, when J moves up the bed to kiss him, something S very much did not see coming. Brief as it is and strange as the angle is, it's so sweet that it sets his heart pounding all over again, his mouth curving into a faint, breathless smile as he tilts his head, trying to chase after that kiss just a little. He doesn't get very far, of course, but it's an impulse he can't restrain, or at least doesn't see the need in bothering to do so. They've kissed more times than he can count, and they've even spent plenty of time kissing today, in between bouts of crying and S trying to explain this place, but much like that term of endearment, it means something, albeit a bit strangely, for J to delay fucking him for a few moments to come kiss him instead.

"I love you, too," he says with a slight nod, soft and earnest despite how half-wrecked he already sounds. "I'm ready." He thinks that ought to be self-explanatory; in a less immediate and less specific way, he thinks he's been ready for this since J first walked out another lifetime ago. For so long, S just wanted him back. Having J here now, hearing him say that he loves him, it feels incredible every time he stops to think about it, in this case providing a fleeting distraction from just how desperate he is. "I'm ready."

It's nice, really, that J stops to ask. Somewhere in the back of his head, he appreciates that, too, even with as obvious as the answer must be. It isn't that S would have expected otherwise, exactly. With as long as it's been, it's just that all of this is sort of like new again, and even half out of his head with desire, he wants to take in and savor all of it, not least how loving J is after all this time apart.

No one should get to be so many good things at once. S is. How he manages it, J doesn't know, but he's everything all in one — intensely attractive, disheveled, desperate, the whine that rises out of him utterly gorgeous; and yet, at the same time, something so endearing in the way he leans in after J, the sweetness in his expression. Swept up in the moment as he is, J can't help the way his heart aches, bittersweet, longing to be better. Even now, he knows it's absolutely absurd to think to himself that he wants to take care of S. He's done it in the past, but there are more than a few reasons S has been the one taking care of him for so long, whether or not J wanted it. But he wants it.

If nothing else, he can do this part, though. With one more quick kiss, he slips away, wriggling awkwardly out of the last of the clothing S loaned him. At least, he hopes he can get this part right. He's out of practice, but these things seem to come back to him pretty readily. Kneeling behind S, he strokes himself a few times, just to take some of the edge off. Even biting his lip, he can't suppress the needy moan that pulls out of him, but that's fine. Somehow that makes him less self-conscious than the endearments and confessions, not least because he knows S will like hearing him.

"So ready," he groans, reaching blindly for the lotion. He fumbles a little, hand shaking more than he expected when he finds it again. The lotion is a little cooler than he'd like as he preps himself, and he's not sure it's really going to be as helpful as they hoped, but it's hard to care too much about that when S looks so fucking inviting. He presses close, rocking his hips, so S can feel how hard he is now, his dick rubbing against S without coming anywhere close to entering him.

Even having just said that he wanted this, even wanting it still, S thinks again that it's a little strange not to be able to see J or what he's doing. There's a sort of thrill in that, too, in not knowing, in trusting J that much. Still, for just a moment, waiting for what comes next and hearing the way J moans, S wishes he had a better view. Later, he tells himself once more, remembering how good J sounded saying so a moment ago, too. They have time; it's not like they only get to do this once, no matter how surreal it still seems if he thinks about it too much. He might not know what will happen after this, and he does know that it won't all be this warm, safe haze of love and lust all tangled together and keeping everything else at bay, but whatever they're facing, he believes that they can at least face it together, and that's incredible all on its own, far more than he had any reason to believe they would ever have again.

The same is true of this, too, S's breath catching when he feels J press against him, his head instinctively turning back again, though it still doesn't do much good. "You're so hard," he says, low and approving, like he had any reason to expect otherwise, like he isn't, too, like it hasn't taken all the restraint he can manage not to start touching himself, held back mostly by the need to keep himself upright. Resisting that impulse is all the more difficult when he's still waiting for more, for what he knows they both want, but at least being able to feel J like this, he doesn't think he'll be waiting for much longer.

He almost, almost parrots J's words from earlier back to him, almost asks if J still wants him this badly, but S thinks better of it. Considering how quickly everything fell apart after that, it isn't worth invoking that moment. Besides, he can feel it for himself, even if that's a little surreal in its own right after having been pushed away for so long. "Want you so bad," he says instead, obvious though he knows that is.