beklemmt | (no subject)

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For all that J has always had to be the one to urge S to be pragmatic and serious, he's the one who's driven entirely by his feelings and desires, by a mind he knows is warped and wrong without knowing all of why or how. It's hard to want things so badly and not to be able to trust that, or to trust the wrong thing, the wrong need. Finding a middle ground feels all but impossible sometimes, and he ends up pulled back and forth by a constantly contorting sense of logic — ruled by reason without knowing if it's actually madness, ruled by his heart while ignoring the things he loves.

Right now, in this moment, he feels sure of what he wants. There are doubts, there are fears, there's always a shadow cast over every damn thing he does, but he's sure of this much, at least. If he can't be steady, if he can't be fully certain of his own self, he can be sure of S. While that scares him a little, feeling himself trying to lean for support on the same person he tried to push away, the same person he tried to kill, it also feels like one of the more sensible things he's done in a long time. Judging by his willingness to take J back, S isn't all that much saner than he is, but he's a hell of a lot more trustworthy.

And he's sweet, and he's loving, and every brush of his lips, every place his body presses into J's, rings out with that. And maybe J isn't ready for this, because he's been through a lot today and he's worn out and emotional, and just being kissed like he's the most precious person ever to exist almost makes him feel like he might cry again. He knows he doesn't deserve this. It isn't the first time he's rushed blindly, though, into things he knows he shouldn't do or have.

"We," he breathes out, "we should —" He doesn't know. He isn't sure. He means to stop kissing S for a moment, but ends up kissing him elsewhere instead, lips trailing along his jaw, his cheek. "I don't know." Stop, his brain supplies, and slow down. Be careful. Instead he lifts his head again for another kiss.

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Thinking of anything right now as sweet seems completely incongruous with what they've just been doing, but it occurs to S as such all the same. Disappointed as he instinctively is when J pulls away — he can't quite help the faint, exhausted little whimper that escapes him — he's so gentle now in contrast to a few moments before, the way he pulls on S's shirt strangely endearing. What S really wants to do is get up and change, but he doesn't have that kind of energy yet, and it's hard to resist coming closer after that. Moving at all is a little difficult, actually, but carefully, he manages to shift up and over on the bed, getting his legs out from under him so he can relax, slumped and boneless, at J's side. He wants to move closer still, but he wants to look, too, taking in the sight of J lying there, naked and beautiful and, he thinks, his. Earlier, he felt like he had to try not to look; after this, though, he's pretty sure he gets to.

Still struggling to catch his breath as he settles, he gives a slight shake of his head before he even tries to speak again. "Not too rough," he answers when he does, his voice hoarse but soft. "I liked that." Even if he were better able to breathe, or think clearly, he doesn't know that he'd be able to explain it, how he wanted that, how he savors it now, the ache in his hips and thigh where he's bound to have bruises later, the exhaustion coursing through all of him, how he can still feel all of it even now that they're both coming down. He missed it, feeling so wanted. He missed J, and he's said that today more times than he can count, but his heart is still full to bursting with it, maybe especially now, in this pleasant, post-sex haze.

With all the energy he can summon, he shifts closer, leaning in so he can gently kiss J. "I love you."

The longer they spend together today, the more J realizes how much he missed it. Not all of it maybe — he had his reasons for leaving — but so much more than he allowed himself to think about. This is one of those things. Thinking about the sex was one thing; having never had any other partner, it made sense he'd remember S when he was alone. He could allow that, and only feel a little bit pathetic for it after. This, though, this part is just as good, maybe better, and he missed it so badly. It just feels good to be next to each other like this, relaxed and sated, a quiet intimacy lingering. The whole world goes soft and hazy and warm, and, for just a little while, there's no pressure to be anything, anyone, anywhere other than as he is now.

In a little while, they'll have to get cleaned up and remake the bed, but he's in no hurry. It'll take them a little time to regain their energy anyway. At this point, he's not even sure he will any time soon. He can barely remember the last time he got more than a couple hours of sleep at a time and, with his body finally letting down its guard, he's feeling it. That doesn't matter much, though, not when S is moving closer, when S is kissing him. His hand moves instinctively down to rest at S's waist, softer now, as he presses into the kiss, gentle, so gentle. Sometimes he can be a little rough, but it's mostly because he knows that sometimes that's what S wants. They both get off on that, feeling so entirely wrapped up in each other, knowing they belong to each other, something he wants more now than he has in a long time.

Afterward, though, he just wants to be tender with him. They're the same thing, really, two ways of showing S he loves him. He tugs S a little bit closer still, leaning their foreheads together. "I love you," he echoes, and there's so much he should say now, but he's too out of it to know where to begin. He can't begin to explain himself, all the things he's done the last year or two, and he can't find the words to tell S how much better he feels now than he is in so long, how, for the first time in a long, long time, he feels like he's home. He lost that for a little while, even before he left. He's not sure it makes sense to have found it again now, when he shouldn't get to have peace at all, but here it is. It's S, it's always been him, and right now J doesn't have the strength even to be appalled that it took nearly killing him to admit that again. They're here. For a little bit longer, that's enough.

With another soft kiss, he draws back just enough to get a better look at S, just taking him in, his arm slipping back to drape over S. "So much," he says, a quiet exhale, drowsy though he's trying to fight it. Still he smiles, small and fond. "Are we..." With as many times as they've exchanged words of love today, they probably are back together. For that matter, S having agreed to leave him if he feels threatened, in a strange way, feels like a tacit agreement that they are. Still, he can't assume. He can't not give S an out. Besides, he wants to hear it anyway. Brushing another kiss against S's lips, he fumbles for how to finish his question. "We don't have to be if you're not... comfortable. With that." S is the one who's been trying to pick things back up again, so J knows it probably sounds dumb for him to suggest he's the one who's ready and S isn't. Given what he tried to do, though, it would make perfect sense if S didn't want to make this a thing yet.

Now that he's a little more capable of thinking clearly, S knows that this shouldn't feel as good as it does, that he shouldn't be as comfortable as he is. As much as this feels like before, better, even, for how long they've been apart, a lot has changed since then, and logically speaking, he should have plenty of reasons not to want to be where he is. This isn't even the first time today he's thought so, but it doesn't make any more difference now than it did the first however many times. He still isn't really sure what that means or what it says about him, but here with J is the only place he wants to be, and not just because he still doesn't have the physical capacity to get up and move. Instead, he stays put, gently leaning into it when J kisses him again, trying to memorize the way he feels and how sweet he sounds, just as incredible in its own right as a few minutes ago. There are still other things he should do, too — both of them could stand to get cleaned up — but it can wait just a little while longer, at least until he has a little more energy again. In the meantime, this is nice enough not to want to put an end to it yet all on its own.

He's considering leaning in for another kiss, considering just curling up against J's side, when J asks that fragmented question, one it takes S a moment longer to parse than it probably should. Part of it is that he still isn't entirely coherent yet, everything still just a little hazy; part of it is just that, when it does click, he hardly sees how it's a question at all, the answer one that he thinks should be obvious. He spent months wanting nothing more than to get back together, to have J decide to come home, trying probably pathetically at every chance he got to make that happen. So much has changed since then, but even with the heightened emotions they've both had today and the rush of having J here and alive again, S doesn't really think that there would ever have been a version of this where he went to bed with J without wanting to get back together with him. Maybe they should have clarified that first, and he knows it's nice that J asked rather than assuming, but he still feels like it ought to have been obvious. Before, they were friends, and then those feelings grew into something else, and then the sex followed. Despite all that's changed, that still feels like the order of things now: the affection, and then the love, and then the sex. He didn't bring J here expecting to kiss him, and he didn't kiss him expecting to sleep with him. If all he'd done was give his best friend a safe place to stay, he would have been content with that. He would still have wanted more, too, but it would have been worth it to have J back in any capacity at all.

S thinks he should probably say that, but he can't figure out where to start, how to put it into words. Instead, he shifts his weight and lifts one hand so he can cup J's jaw, kissing him again like he'd been wanting to do in the first place. "I am," he says, soft but serious, his thumb gently stroking J's cheek, "if you are." Really, that barely touches on the truth of it, that he wants that so badly despite how little sense it makes for him to do so, and yet he wouldn't mind if J didn't, as long as it didn't mean losing him entirely again. If all he wanted was friendship, if all he wanted was sex, S would give him that.

There is definitely something deeply wrong with him. Right now, he can't bring himself to care.

Edited 2020-12-30 08:25 (UTC)

He's too tired, too content, to pretend he's not relieved to hear it, expression softening as he nods ever so slightly. He doesn't want S to stop touching him, his hand so soft and warm against J's cheek, but he can't answer in words yet. There's absolutely no reason whatsoever S should give him another chance, no matter how much they love each other, and still he mostly expects that he will, but it's no less of a relief for being what he expects. It's not what he deserves, it's not the smart thing for S to do, and that was enough to worry him.

And maybe he should say no after all, that he isn't ready to jump back in. So much has changed, though, and he doesn't want to wait to put himself back together first when he hasn't felt this steady or satisfied in forever. There will be things to fix and discuss and work through, but he's changed. Most of it hasn't been for the better, but he's trying to make something of his shifting priorities. If he can do better by S, it won't fix everything else, but at least it's something, a chance to do right by the person he loves most. And it's selfish, he knows that. He can frame it however he likes, but in the end, he knows, he just doesn't want to be alone or to deny himself the pleasure of being loved by someone he loves so much.

"I am," he murmurs. He wants to lean in and kiss S again, but he doesn't, not yet. This is serious. He needs S to know he understands that. Even if he can't promise yet to stay alive, he can't come back with one foot out the door either. He can't just cut and run again. Last time, it nearly killed both of them.

Well, one of them. Definitely killed him. Contributed to it, at least. Even he's not quite stupid and reckless enough to bring that up right now, though.

"I want this," he says instead. His gaze does drop then, self-conscious but wistfully earnest. "I just wanna come home." He doesn't care where they are or what this place is. He doesn't care that this apartment is completely unfamiliar and there's no earthly explanation for how he's even alive. This is home, and he's been away far too long.

Relieved at first, happy, even, S is then struck speechless by the last thing J says. His expression softens, his hand stays on J's cheek, but he can't, for a moment, find anything to say. For months, that was all he wanted, for J to come home, holding onto the thinnest hope that one day he might. Then J was gone, and S's own home might as well have burned up in the fire too. He's survived since then, but it's been a hollow existence. The studio they once shared already felt too empty after J moved out, and once he could never come back, it was even worse, space S knew he could never fill, memories he couldn't shake. J was everywhere and nowhere all at once, and maybe it's melodramatic, just the product of youth or being so stupidly fucking in love, but S is certain that a part of him would always have been missing. Here, too, it's been better but worse, a place that at least wasn't full of reminders of J but that was all the more lacking because of it, a chance to put all of that behind him that he didn't want to have to take. He's lived here, he would have continued to do so, but it would never have been home. Nothing ever could have.

And he could point out that J is the one who left, that he could have come home anytime he wanted, that S was the one trying to get him to do so in the first place, but he doesn't. That's all past them now. S knows that it won't be as easy as just putting it behind them, that so much else won't be, too. He's never been as insecure as J has, and he's pretty sure that's often been just one more reason for J to resent him, but having been left before, pushed away for so long, it's admittedly a little difficult to come to terms with the idea of being wanted again now. He wants that, though. None of this should even be possible, and having that chance, he thinks it's worth whatever they'll have to deal with to keep it.

"You can," he says, quieter than before. There's something tremulous in his voice, too, a little broken, but he means it utterly. He just can't help if it's a little heartbreaking to hear, to think about J being alone for so long, too. "You are." They're in a mostly empty apartment in what might as well be the middle of nowhere, but he means that, too. For him, at least, it feels for the first time like it could be home now, and he knows that's only because J is here with him.

Brushing a soft, tender kiss to the corner of J's mouth, he nods just slightly when he draws back. "I want it, too."

J is tired enough that his hand shakes when he lifts it to cover S's. Maybe that's why he's letting himself say these things, achingly vulnerable and letting himself be. Or maybe it just doesn't matter anymore at the same time that it matters so much. There have been too many lies and half-truths, too much trying to push away the things he wants and desperately clawing after everything else in the wrong way. S knows everything. Lying would be pointless, but honesty is another way of swearing that he trusts him, though S is hardly the untrustworthy one here.

It hurts a little, hearing the slight shake in S's voice. Most things do these days. But he's still so sweet, still letting J in, and that helps to ease the ache of it. It's bittersweet, knowing he's the reason for all of this, but it's so good, so overwhelmingly good to hear that he's home. For a moment, it almost upends him, his heart and throat tight. He doesn't start crying again, though, which has to be a decent start. It shouldn't be possible, he realizes. That's the thing his brain is tripping across, the thing that makes this painful even as it's the most comforted he's felt before today. It isn't that he doesn't deserve this. It isn't that it's unfair or he worries S is being naïve, letting him back in like this, or how being loved in spite of himself is almost too much for him to handle. It's that it just shouldn't be possible. He's dead, he died, he killed himself. He's only halfway grasped that, which is surreal when he's also vaguely aware of that fact, that he hasn't entirely wrapped his mind around what he's done, but it hits him a little now. If it weren't for this place, whatever this is, he would never have gotten to go home ever again.

"I am," he whispers, an echo, eyes squeezing shut for a moment as he lets that roll over him. He can't tell anymore how he feels, somehow utterly devastated and blissfully happy all at the same time. The only thing he's really sure of is that this is what he wants. He wants S. He's the only thing that makes sense in any world. On impulse, he tips his head forward to kiss S again, taking his time, drinking him in. He wants to apologize again — there's so damn much he's sorry for — but if he starts again, he'll never stop. For now, he bites it back, lifting his hand from where it covers S's to comb through S's hair instead, gently pulling him closer.

There's so much he could say if he let himself. Really, there's so much he probably should say, but S decides instantaneously that now isn't the time. They're both too tired for that; today has been so much, and still, in the lingering haze following some seriously intense sex, one or both of them could probably too easily tip over into being that emotional again now. He feels it a little himself, a tightness in his chest that isn't from his earlier shortness of breath, and he thinks he sees it in J's expression, too, admittedly relieved when it doesn't seem to go any further. Already they've spent so much time crying today, and chances are, there will be more of that to come, but he doesn't want J to have to fall apart again so soon. He would probably follow in short order, and they'd be, though still not back where they started — so much better off than that — in a place that they just barely pulled themselves out of a little while ago. Just for a little while longer, he wants to keep this and let everything else ahead of them wait.

Falling into it is easy, then, when J kisses him again, pulls him closer. S goes willingly, soft but sure, his eyes half-shut and his hand still gentle against J's cheek. Deep down, he knows that kissing won't solve anything. It won't change what brought them here or how rocky the path ahead of them is likely to be; it won't erase either of their scars or the worst parts of their shared past. But, God, he's been alone and unhappy for so long, swallowed up by grief, and he can't help wanting to grab onto this reprieve from it, to hold J and kiss him like he had every reason to think he would never be able to again, to make sure J knows how much he's loved, how much S means it, even now. There were times before when S wasn't sure that J actually believed him — their last conversation flits lightning-quick through his head, there and then gone again — but he intends to leave no room for doubt now. He can't take back any of what J has done, but S can love him anyway.

And he does, as awful and inexplicable as he wonders if that might be. He loves J so much that it hurts, so much that it makes his heart feel like it might split open again, and even if he could, he wouldn't rid himself of that. Maybe that was an easier thing to carry on his conscience when he didn't have to grapple with what it would mean to actively be with someone who's done the things J has done, but he doesn't care. To him, J has always been worth it. Somehow, that might be even truer now than it was before.

As soon as S kisses him back, J starts to relax again. It helps, having him here to keep J grounded, to pull him away from his thoughts. They may not be gone, but if he can let himself be steadied a little, the worst of them might fade and the rest will be easier to handle. It's a relief, too. As much as he enjoyed the sex they just had, he missed being able to kiss S during, and it's nice to get to make up for that a little.

Maybe later he can say all those other things. He can tell S how fucking sorry he is that he stayed away so long, and he can try to explain why, hopefully more calmly than when he's tried to in the past. He can make all the apologies that keep flitting through his head. He can tell S how lost he still is, how he doesn't know which way he can go now, how he's scared to make music again and scared to live without it.

Later. Not now. Not when S feels so right pressed against him and he knows how easily he could crumble if he let himself think too much. If he were alone, he wouldn't be able to hold it all at bay, but S gives him somewhere else to focus, at least, enough to keep himself somewhat together. If he stays alive for very long at all, he knows, it will be because of S. For him.

It helps, too, admittedly, that he's tired enough to be easily distracted. With the mess they've made of themselves, he doesn't want to let himself fall asleep, but for once it helps to be hazy and unfocused. "Love you so much," he mumbles, barely pulling back. "I don't know why you put up with me." As much as he means that, it's been true for a long time. It's just amplified now, yet somehow softened, too. He really doesn't understand it in the least. Love, yes, but how S can still love him, knowing what he does, he doesn't get. Still, the fact that he does is everything; it's also the only reason he sounds a little awestruck instead of wholly self-deprecating. S could do better. There's no argument to be had there. He chooses not to. He chooses J. "Glad you do though."

Even if he tried, S doubts he would be able to explain it. He's always loved J, always wanted to be with J, he thinks, even before he recognized that feeling for what it was, still just inexorably drawn to him. Things were so different then, though. They were different even after that, when the two of them were together and J's moods started getting darker, with S usually helpless to do anything about it. J hadn't killed anyone then, or tried to kill him. That should be insurmountable — a relationship dealbreaker if ever there was one, he thinks just a little hysterically. For S, though, knowing that means knowing the rest of it, too, how it happened and why. It doesn't change the facts, but it makes him feel a little better about the fact that he can't look at J and see only a killer, or the man who would have killed him. The things J has said so far today do, too. With as wrecked as he's been, as sorry, as ready to kill himself a second time to get away from it — as painful as it is for S to see or even consider, it makes it easier for him to be here, too, knowing that J isn't only the things he did in those last months, when he was alone and vulnerable and being manipulated by someone who was only trying to use him.

Sooner or later, they're going to have to talk more about it. Even if he hadn't kept J's journal here with him, it would be inevitable. Just for right now, though, at least until J is a little steadier, S thinks it can wait. It isn't as if it changes anything on his end, and he doesn't want to risk sending J back into the fraught mindset he was in not so very long ago at all. He's been alone for such a long time; they both have. Maybe it's selfish, maybe it makes him sick or complicit or both, maybe he's just inviting trouble, but S doesn't really believe that. Torturing themselves now won't change any of the facts, either, and he doesn't want to risk going down the same road as earlier. With J here, impossibly alive, S can't help it if he wants to make sure it stays that way.

"I'm glad I get to," he says, even just that feeling a little like it might be veering close to things they aren't talking about. He kisses J again, though, brief this time but still affectionate, and hopes it won't be too close. "I love you." It's not really an explanation, and it's not really that simple, and yet, it kind of is, too. "I think I've always loved you."

Me too, J thinks, and it nearly sets him off again. It's not that he regrets killing himself. It was the only way to end things or to even try and begin to balance things out. He had to. And even if that weren't the case, he doesn't think he could have borne it much longer, living with all that guilt. None of that has changed. But S is here now, and that makes more of a difference than J would have guessed. It makes him grateful, in spite of himself and all his best intentions, to be alive again. He doesn't know to explain why that hurts.

Maybe it's as simple as that just being how it is. Everything that drove him to end his life is still there, except for the risk of being caught and sent to jail or executed. To have something to hold onto, something keeping him going in the face of all of that pain, is remarkable, but it means living with things he thought he couldn't live with.

He said he'd try. He promised to try. With S saying such sweet things, he knows he has to follow through.

It takes effort to push through the urge to let these things pull him under again. He takes a moment, takes a deep breath, letting himself focus on those words, trying to slow his heart. "I know," he murmurs, though when he glances up enough to meet S's eyes, he's managed a small smile, at least — small, but warm. "I think I always loved you, too. It was just... always you."

He knows S credits him for the fact he started writing music, but J's not sure he would have ever written anything halfway decent himself if he hadn't been writing about S. "From the moment we met," he continues, fingers stroking slowly through S's hair. "I don't think there could've been anyone else."

On some level, S thinks he must have known that. It isn't as if it ever really seemed like just him, after all, not until close to the end. Still, hearing it is something else entirely, especially with all the time he's had to second-guess himself. More recently, there was time, too, to second-guess the second-guessing, but S can't bear to think too much about that. If he did, he would probably say something he would regret, steer the conversation in a direction he's been trying to avoid. Talking about the way J wrote about him would tie too directly to J trying to kill him, and while that, of course, isn't something he can forget or fully lose sight of, it's better for them both if they don't linger on that subject for now. Just like the scars they both know are under his buttoned shirt, they can be aware of it without having to look directly at it, at least for a little while.

He would rather focus on this, anyway, the sweetness of J's fingers in his hair and his voice. S leans into his touch, just a little, closing his eyes for a moment to make sure he stays composed. This, he thinks, is why this is worth it. How could he ever turn away from someone he loves this much, who loves him right back, someone with whom he's been inextricably intertwined from the start? As wrong as this may be, how could that be any more right?

Leaning just a little bit into J's touch, he nods in agreement. "Me too," he says, quiet, smiling faintly and a touch unsteadily again. It feels so good to hear this now; it reminds him of how devastated he was in J's absence, losing that. Really, it's no wonder that he's been so adrift. He doesn't want to tell J he missed him again — they've said that so many times, and that, too, feels like it might be a little too emotional for this moment, given the various reasons why he had to miss J in the first place — but it's painfully true. Part of him died when J did; that part of him feels like it might be coming back to life now, too. "This..." He trails off, shakes his head, incredulous and loving. "I'm glad you're here. I'm glad we get to have this."

It would have been easier on them both, probably, if that weren't true, if they'd managed to fall out of love with each other. No matter how bad things got, though, J could never get there. There were times when that infuriated him or sent him into despair, unable to get S out of his head or his heart, to work him out from under his skin. No matter what he tried or told himself, S was always there, and being angry about that only made things worse, made him mad at himself in turn — for not wanting S enough or for wanting him at all, for not trying enough, for being so pathetically in love with someone who was bad for him, for acting like S was the problem in this equation. Everything and nothing, back and forth, it was a constant process of fighting himself, lying to himself, never being entirely sure what was what.

He goes through that a lot, over a lot of things, but there's little else he debated so fiercely in his head for so long, and little else where he knew the whole time he was wrong.

It would have been easier for S, at least. He would have hurt less if he'd loved J less. And had J loved him less, he wouldn't have tried to kill him, a thought that leaves him unsettled, out of place when everything about this moment seems so peaceful.

If he hadn't done that, he's not sure how much longer he would have gone on trying to convince himself that what he was doing had meaning.

But he did and it woke him up, and that's why S had to fucking grieve for him, and it's just a twisted mess, and he can't think about this, he really can't. He wants to do better, he wants to do as he told S he would, and he can't do that if he thinks about this now.

"So am I," he says, trying to focus instead on how much he means that. In spite of everything, he does; he's glad they're here, glad they're together, however irrational it might be. "I still don't understand how I'm here, but if I get this... you... I don't think how matters." He has to hold onto that. They'll figure out the rest. Somehow, however impossible, they have each other now, the way it always should have been.

S doesn't understand it, either, not any of it. He didn't even before today, when he was just trying to get his own bearings here, settling into life in an unfamiliar place and, apparently, forty-some years in his future. This turn of events, J being here, a dead man somehow brought back to life, makes even less sense than all the rest of it. And yet, at the same time, it's the only thing that makes sense, too. His whole world has been thrown off-kilter and righted all at the same time, an unfathomable shift that feels, just as J said, like coming home. It shouldn't, probably. Neither of them is who they used to be. Those hands that he's always loved, that touch him so sweetly — that minutes ago were helping to utterly undo him — have done horrific things, too. Even knowing J didn't act alone, even holding someone else accountable, S can't just pretend like that's not the case.

But J already died once, and not very long ago at all was ready to kill himself again for the things he's done. For S to deny them both what they want because of it wouldn't change anything that happened or bring back any of the dead; for him to foist even more guilt on J than he's shouldering for himself already wouldn't make anything better. Right now, neither would S going into his reasons, such as they are, for feeling the way he does, but it isn't as if they won't still be the case when J has had more time to settle, when their collective emotional state is even just the slightest bit less precarious. Until then, all he really wants to do is take care of J, and, selfishly, to savor what it feels like to get to have him back.

"I don't think it matters, either," he agrees, gently kissing J's other cheek, lingering there for a moment, breathing him in. That J could always have had him, that it didn't need to be this place bringing them back together, doesn't matter either — or it does, it matters a great deal, but mostly just in how much more grateful S is to have this impossible chance now. "I..." I thought I'd never see you again, he thinks but doesn't say. It's too true, too much for this moment; it's not nearly enough, when just seeing J again doesn't begin to encompass anything else that's happened since. Lying here sated after sex, being in a relationship again, they're so much more than that, and he didn't even have any reason to hope for the barest fact of J being alive again. "I don't know how I got so lucky."

It's usually much harder to fight the instinct to protest that. There was a time when J would have happily acknowledged how lucky they both are. As his self-doubt grew, though, so did his tendency not to believe that applied to both of them. He's the lucky one, and often miserable in his luck. Sometimes it hurts to know how highly S thinks of him.

It would be so easy to tip back over the edge into the darkness. Tired and unguarded as he is, he could so easily go either way. But exhaustion also makes him too tired to fight, makes it simpler for him simply to go with it. "I'm luckier," he says instead, blinking a little at how heavy his eyes have gotten. He wouldn't blame S for being done with him. Even if he hadn't done such terrible things to other people, even if he'd never tried to physically harm S, he was a horrible boyfriend, and he's not an easy person to be around, never mind to be with. That S still loves him, just as he is, knowing everything, is more grace and love than he can fathom.

He doesn't want to argue and he's not trying to be sweet or cute or romantic. It's just true. He didn't want to be alive. That he is and has found any reason at all to want to stay that way is a miracle.

There's so much he could say about it. So much he should say, probably, but it feels so nice to have S close like this, watching over him, like he's still someone worth protecting. "Don't let me fall asleep," is what he says instead, shifting forward to lean his forehead against S's again, stealing a quick kiss. He could use the sleep, he knows it, but he doesn't want to lose this moment so soon. Or, for that matter, fall asleep all gross like this and have to deal with it when he wakes up. Besides, there's a little part of him suddenly afraid that, if he does fall asleep, all of this will go away when he wakes up.

Although S knows better than to dispute that point, especially when he knows J could already have made far more of an argument than that, he isn't so sure it's true. It's different kinds of luck, he thinks — J to be alive when he'd very much intended not to be, S to be reunited with someone he was, until earlier today, facing a lifetime without. For J to be here at all is incredible, unbelievable. For J to want him back is just an added bonus of sorts. If given half the chance, though, he suspects they could debate that for the rest of the day, and he doesn't want to bother. He would rather just enjoy this, maybe all the more so because he knows it won't always be this peaceful. Loving J is the easiest thing in the world for him, even now, despite all the reasons it probably shouldn't be. Being with J is a different story. It's worth it, always, but he doesn't expect things to have changed so much in that regard, not least with all of the new hurdles they're facing, all of the weight on J's shoulders.

So he hums, thoughtful and noncommittal, leaning in for another kiss instead of offering any contradiction. He knows how lucky he is; that can be enough for now. It's simple enough, too, to let himself get distracted by the drowsy look on J's face, his mouth curling in a small, affectionate smile at the sight of it. "Are you sure?" he asks, gently teasing, thinking that J could probably stand to get some rest. Then he remembers the state they're both in and thinks better of it, shaking his head, his hand dropping from J's cheek to nudge his shoulder instead. "No, you can't sleep until we get cleaned up," he says. "Come on. These are brand new sheets, too."

As much as S really doesn't want to move yet, they probably shouldn't just lie here for too much longer. If J would rather not fall asleep yet, S is pretty sure he can make sure that doesn't happen.

He's not sure, really, tired enough that it's really tempting just to sleep now. S looks at him like that, so fond and endeared, that J thinks, for once, he could be happy to sleep, watched over like this. His first instinct was right, though. J is sure of that, which is rare enough to make it pleasant rather than annoying. Falling asleep is fine. Waking up in this mess wouldn't be even remotely comfortable.

"Everything's brand new," he points out, laughing quietly. "You just got here." He doesn't get it. None of this makes sense. If he thinks about it too much, though, the confusion becomes overwhelming, and he knows he's not alert enough to make any kind of sense of it now. He sighs then, fingers curling in S's shirt again, as he leans in for another kiss. "Fine," he groans. "We should, you're right."

He doesn't try to move yet though, wrinkling up his nose as he tries to make himself wake up a little. When he opens his eyes again, he takes a moment just to look, expression fond, then shifting into something slyer, self-satisfied, biting back a laugh. "Are you sure you can stand yet?"

As much as he doesn't want to move yet, would much rather just lie here, basking in being together, S knows it has to be for the best that they get cleaned up sooner rather than later. The longer they wait, the less likely they'll want to be to move, or, in J's case, the more likely to fall asleep. Exhausted as he might be, too, albeit mostly pleasantly so, S already knows he won't be sleeping, but that's beside the point, nothing he wants to worry J with. Even with everything seeming pretty alright now, he's well aware that it's not really that simple, and it wasn't very long ago at all that J was talking about wanting to kill himself again. He just can't take the risk of something happening because he wasn't awake to do something about it.

It's easy enough not to dwell on that for the moment, at least, when J looks like he does now, his question and the accompanying expression startling a laugh out of S, warm and amused. "No," he admits with a helpless shake of his head, smiling still, not actually trying to move yet, either. His whole body hurts, but it's a good, welcome sort of soreness. Still, he isn't exactly looking forward to getting out of bed; he just knows he really should. "But if I don't now, I might never talk myself into it."

It's a small thing, honestly, probably not worth being pleased with himself about, and it's not like that's the only possible hallmark of good sex. Still, it feels nice knowing he got this right. J promised to make S feel good. At least he could follow through on that much.

Besides, S looks happy. It's been far too long since J was able to make him really happy in any way. He wants to try to be better at that now. Granted, he knows that he's going to have trouble enough keeping himself afloat, but it's still a worthwhile goal to have, surely.

"True," he allows, almost laughing again. It would be far too easy to give into temptation and just fall asleep curled up together. They haven't done so in such a long time, and he finds he's looking forward to it. At least if he's this tired, with S at his side, he might actually drift off. If he's lucky, maybe he won't have nightmares for a change, or at least not enough to wake him up. Besides, sleep will be more comfortable if they — and the bed — are clean. "You keep me awake, I'll help you stay standing."

Admittedly, it's not like he expects to be all that steady on his feet either, but it's nice to tease S again.

"Deal," S agrees, grinning as he leans in for one more quick kiss, unable to resist the temptation to do so while he's still close enough for it. It's nice, really, how easy everything feels for the moment. No matter what else is ahead of them and what they'll still have to deal with, he thinks it says a lot that, after everything that's happened today, they could wind up here. Making light of any of it would be dangerous, but still, this seems promising, something that has to be a good sign. They can better take on the bad if they have this to come back to. At least, he wants so much for that to be the case, and believes it really might just be.

Finally, reluctantly, he makes himself pull away, moving slowly as he starts to sit up. Even his shoulders and arms ache from supporting his weight, and he can't help pulling a face for a moment, but still, he finds it hard to mind after sex that good, when this — to feel it afterwards, like proof that it happened at all, that J wanted him that badly too — is what he wanted in the first place. It's worth it, more than, better even than he remembered.

"Come on," he says, teasing, as he looks over at J, mostly just for an excuse to take in the sight of him like this again. "Up."

Yet again J wishes S weren't wearing a shirt, and he has to push the notion aside before his thoughts sour again. He tries to focus instead of the way S looks at him. Even like this, when he's absolutely a mess, S looks at him like that.

Pulling a face in turn, he makes himself follow suit, carefully getting to his feet on the other side of the bed. At least this time he doesn't have to feel so self-conscious about being undressed. He still makes his way quickly over to S's side, partly because now that he's up, he's a little cold, partly to follow through on what he said he'd do, mostly to be close to him. He wants to stay like this, safe and content and okay with that, for as long as he can hold onto it. Keeping close to S is part of keeping that going. Slipping his arm around S's waist, he presses a kiss to his clothed shoulder. "Shower first, then make the bed?"

Even saying it is so absurdly domestic, a reminder of the old days, and he relishes in it. It might not last as long as he'd like, but at least, for a little while at a time, he can do this. And if he can manage in small stretches to be okay, even happy, maybe he can keep his promise to stay. Even as he thinks it, he knows it's probably overly optimistic, but isn't even that good? Isn't optimism a big step in itself? He can try, he's trying. Even if it all comes crashing down again later, even if he sleeps after this and wakes up heavy-hearted again, at least they'll have had this brief reprieve.

Slightly unsteady on his feet as he is once he stands up, S thinks that an arm around his waist is more support than he actually needs, but he doesn't care in the slightest. It's too nice just to have J close, sweet in stark contrast to how his hands clutched S's waist just a few minutes ago, and familiar in the way that so much of this has been, like learning something all but forgotten all over again. And it isn't as if S forgot, really. He just didn't think much about so many of those little details until he didn't have them anymore, and it's been a long time since he was able to have them. This, J standing close, intimate without involving sex at all despite their respective states of undress, talking about showering and making the bed — it feels like when they had a life together, makes that small glimmer of hope he's had that they could again grow a little brighter still.

"Shower first," he agrees. They both definitely need one, and while he doesn't love the idea of having to shower with his shirt on, it's worth it for now to keep J in this mood. He can just change into a clean one after, before they make the bed, and then, he thinks, if J is still awake enough, he'll suggest getting food again, willing to bet that the last time J ate wasn't especially recent. That's something to figure out in a little while, though. For the moment, S just smiles a little at the kiss J presses to his shoulder, leaning into him simply because he can, and starts towards the hall. He aches, but he really can't just not get clean right now, and anyway, it's vastly preferable to the ways in which he was hurting until very recently.

That isn't something worth commenting on, though. He huffs out a quiet laugh instead. "Guess it's a good thing I bought enough towels."

J tries not to lean too much into S as they head back toward the bathroom. He's the one who's supposed to help keep S steady, after all, even if he was partly joking about that. Truthfully, though, he needs the assistance himself. After months of mostly hanging around his place, this has been more exertion than he's generally accustomed to. He'd rather be achey and tired from this than from his other more recent brand of strenuous activity, but just thinking that makes him feel a little queasy.

Focus on S. That's all he can do, the only safe thing to do, is to think about S, the warmth of him at J's side, the way he laughs. Think about how it's good he bought enough towels, how this is an unanticipated miracle, and miracles are usually good things.

He nods, glancing over as they walk. It's easy enough to let S lead the way, better to be able to see him. "Sorry," he says, but it comes easier now, lighter, helping to bring back a hint of a smile; if anything, he's sheepish. "Extra laundry for you. You loaned me those clean clothes for nothing."

"Not for nothing," S replies without missing a beat, though the smile he shoots J a moment later is just a touch more sly than soft. "It was very worth getting you out of those clean clothes." He wants to tell J not to apologize again — they've exchanged so many apologies today, and he has a feeling there will be more to come whenever they drift back to a more serious subject — but his voice seems light enough for now, the reason he's sorry not exactly a weighty one. At this point, S would be having to do laundry soon enough anyway. An extra change of clothes, an extra towel or two, won't make any sort of significant difference on that front.

Reaching the bathroom, he leans away to turn the light on again, struck by how different everything already feels from when he brought J in here before, when he felt like he shouldn't even look at him. This — being able to shower together — is better by far, and that's even with as nice as he ultimately found it just to sit beside J while he bathed.

"I'll do laundry tomorrow," he says, shrugging easily. Finally, he steps away to turn the water on, though not before planting a quick kiss on J's cheek. "Good thing I bought enough clothes, too."

"You think we'll need them?" J asks, feigning innocence. He already knows this can't last forever, and he would prefer to be clothed next time he has a complete mental breakdown, but for now, he just wants this. They get to have this for a little while, just to be happy, even playful with each other. This is its own thing, he's realizing. He keeps thinking of things in terms of new and old, familiar and not, but it's all of those things, a pastiche of their former domesticity and something new. Things won't ever be the way they were, he knows that. There are so many new obstacles they could never have envisioned. But there's no need to pretend as if this is starting over either. It isn't. That's the good part. There's none of the clumsiness of when they were first adjusting to adding romance and, eventually, sex to their relationship. They already know each other in that way, already comfortable with that. It's a better base to build on than he let himself remember.

Still, as he stands back a little, letting S manage the shower, it occurs to him that one of those hurdles is in front of him now.

"Should we..." He hesitates, trying to figure out how to say this. It would be hard enough at any time, but when he's already so hazy and trying so hard not to let himself slip backwards yet, finding the words feels almost impossible. "Do you want me to wait? So you can... take your shirt off?" It isn't the full weight of all he's done, but he can't help some of the shame creeping back in, the flush building in his cheeks. It's pathetic. He can't even face what he's done, forever a coward.

S shakes his head quickly, straightening once he's got the shower on and the water warming so he can cross the short distance back to where J is standing, reaching for his hand partly out of instinct, partly to be reassuring. "No, it's fine," he says, thumb brushing against J's knuckles. "I can leave it on, and put on a clean one after." It won't be a tenable solution forever, or even probably for very long. Half-clothed sex is one thing, but he can't take every shower with a shirt on for fear of upsetting J, and at least for right now, he doesn't think they should be apart for that long, either. Things feel better right now than they were earlier today, but he can see the shift in J's expression already. Given the reason they'd be showering separately, S doesn't want to risk J on his own starting to feel worse again.

That isn't a tenable solution, either. They can't spend every second glued to each other's sides, even if right now there isn't anywhere else he wants to be. But at least for now, at least while everything is still so fragile, he'll do whatever it takes to help keep J afloat, even if it means solutions as clumsy as leaving his shirt on while he showers.

He smiles faintly, hopefully. It could hurt if he let it, thinking about the fact that his boyfriend can't stand the sight of him shirtless, but he knows why that's the case. If only for right now, for the immediate future, he has to hold that at bay, too. "See, we'll need some clothes. Everything else, maybe not."