beklemmt | (no subject)

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For all that J has always had to be the one to urge S to be pragmatic and serious, he's the one who's driven entirely by his feelings and desires, by a mind he knows is warped and wrong without knowing all of why or how. It's hard to want things so badly and not to be able to trust that, or to trust the wrong thing, the wrong need. Finding a middle ground feels all but impossible sometimes, and he ends up pulled back and forth by a constantly contorting sense of logic — ruled by reason without knowing if it's actually madness, ruled by his heart while ignoring the things he loves.

Right now, in this moment, he feels sure of what he wants. There are doubts, there are fears, there's always a shadow cast over every damn thing he does, but he's sure of this much, at least. If he can't be steady, if he can't be fully certain of his own self, he can be sure of S. While that scares him a little, feeling himself trying to lean for support on the same person he tried to push away, the same person he tried to kill, it also feels like one of the more sensible things he's done in a long time. Judging by his willingness to take J back, S isn't all that much saner than he is, but he's a hell of a lot more trustworthy.

And he's sweet, and he's loving, and every brush of his lips, every place his body presses into J's, rings out with that. And maybe J isn't ready for this, because he's been through a lot today and he's worn out and emotional, and just being kissed like he's the most precious person ever to exist almost makes him feel like he might cry again. He knows he doesn't deserve this. It isn't the first time he's rushed blindly, though, into things he knows he shouldn't do or have.

"We," he breathes out, "we should —" He doesn't know. He isn't sure. He means to stop kissing S for a moment, but ends up kissing him elsewhere instead, lips trailing along his jaw, his cheek. "I don't know." Stop, his brain supplies, and slow down. Be careful. Instead he lifts his head again for another kiss.

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Instinctively, S wants to disagree. Although he suspects it probably shows in his expression, he makes himself resist that impulse. It isn't the word he would use — too dire for that and too dismissive — but still, he knows, deep down, that J isn't well. He did even before J tried to kill him, and before he wound up with J's journal, his heart breaking anew as he read about what was going through J's head for all those months. Worried as he might have been, part of what kept him calling even when J wouldn't answer, why he turned up determined to bring J home with him at the slightest word that J wanted to talk to him, he never would have guessed just how bad it was. For all that things seem to be better now, at least a little, getting more so, he knows, too, that that won't just go away. And no matter how much he wishes he could, no matter how much it hurts to consider this, he can't take that away, can't make J better through sheer force of will or love or whatever else. He doesn't know how to help something like that.

He can be here, though, aware of that but determined to stay, trying to do what he can, at least making sure that J isn't bearing it alone. Taking a breath, he shakes his head a little, still not wanting to describe J like that, as crazy, but sensing that they'll only argue if he tries to dispute it, a path he really doesn't want to go down right now. "I love you anyway," he says instead, not much more than a whisper, and this time, it's his voice that falters a little. Even that, he worries might be the wrong thing, too much of an agreement instead, no option here a safe one. It's true, though. Nothing could change that now, he's pretty sure, and J should at least know that he's not going into this blind or too naïve, expecting something that can't be true.

With J holding him close, his hands so tender now, S doesn't want to dwell on it for long, or risk being pulled back under and dragging J with him when they've finally managed to resurface. Instead, he summons up what he can of a small smile. "You're good at that kind, too. Soap, please."

Edited 2021-01-02 05:48 (UTC)

It's not easy, exactly, to hear; J doubts S means to say he thinks he's crazy, too, but there's an implicit acknowledgment there, and he doesn't want to be crazy or to be thought of as insane, even as he knows it must be so. It's the only explanation. Either he's a madman or he's a monster — a little bit of that one either way, but as much as he might hate himself for all he's done, he's slowly starting to feel maybe that word in itself might be a step too far. He can't pretend he didn't make his own choices, but he wasn't rational, however much sense it all seemed to make. Something is deeply wrong with him.

And yet, at the same time, it's precisely what he wants. It's much easier to allow himself this relationship knowing that S is aware. He can be so optimistic sometimes, particularly when it comes to J. This isn't the right time or place for that. He needs S clearheaded, not least because he knows he often isn't that himself, and he couldn't let himself be with S if he didn't think S were perfectly aware of what he is. He might be kinder about it than J is to himself, but he knows. For now, that's enough.

"I love you too," he says, smiling a little. He's exhausted and it shows, but he's trying. As many times as he knows he's already said it today, he doesn't think there can possibly be a limit right now, not when he spent so long not saying it. Lifting a hand to S's cheek, he kisses him, soft but brief. "No matter what I am or what I'm not, I love you." For as much as he knows that S will have to remind him time and again that he wants to be here and take care of him, J suspects he's going to have to say this a lot himself. There's so much here to fix, but he thinks — hopes — they're not beyond repair.

Pulling gently away, he steps past S to grab the soap. He's pretty sure this shower is bigger than the one they used to share, but it's still a shower. He's glad not to have to go far to pick it up and hand it to S. "You know if you say such things, we'll just have to shower again later," he adds wryly. "I like driving you that kind of crazy."

For one awful moment, S feels like he might be on the verge of falling apart again, his breath hitching quietly when J rests a hand on his cheek. He doesn't know why, really. This is a good thing, an important step, the most evenly balanced he's felt like the two of them have been in a long time. Even for him, though, it's been a particularly long day after a long few months, and it keeps coming back to him in waves, that J was dead, that they were never supposed to be able to have this again. It's overwhelming; all the challenges he knows they're facing and his concern for J make it even more so. But it's also so much better than he ever expected to get, and the last thing he wants is to bring the mood down again when it's so relieving that they've finally settled into some semblance of calmness. He makes himself breathe through it, leaning just a little into J's touch, desperately determined to keep himself steady.

It's a good thing, he tells himself again, though it isn't as if he really needs the reminder, as if he could possibly lose sight of that. J is here and alive; J loves him. Even the response that he'd feared might be the wrong one seems to have gone over well, J's accompanying little smile all the more beautiful for how long S went without seeing it before today. Just to be standing here with each other, they've made it through so much more than most people have to, or get to, weather together. Being grateful for that could easily make him emotional, too, but they've had more than enough of that for the time being, and he's sure there will be more to come.

At least what J says next offers a distraction, the corners of his mouth curling up a little as he takes the soap so he can start washing off. "I do, too," he says, then pauses a beat in mostly feigned consideration. "And I don't know that we'd have to shower again if we're already showering."

He's teasing, mostly, not so much looking for anything as he is enjoying having that option in front of him at all. Still, S can't say he minds the idea, either, even as it absently occurs to him that his water bill is probably going to be absurd for as much trouble as they have keeping their hands off each other. For that matter, he probably ought to be at least a little more careful, physically speaking, but he feels alright so far, and he missed this so much.

Edited 2021-01-02 09:19 (UTC)

J could feasibly blame it on how tired he is, how easily he keeps veering from mood to mood, worn out enough at this point that he's starting to loop back around to alert, perhaps too much so. But then, he knows, his moods haven't been steady in a long time. Still, after the day he's had, perhaps the fact that he can't keep his emotional balance is the most normal he's been in ages.

Whatever the reason, he startles himself by laughing, eyes widening as he hears himself. "Yah," he says, waving his hand through the spray, as if that'll do anything when they're both already wet, "you're insatiable." He doesn't pretend not to be entertained, though, or even that he isn't considering it. It's a far more pleasant alternative than letting himself think about everything weighing him down, after all, and easy enough to let his mind drift that direction instead. Even if nothing happens now, it's nice to have something to distract him, and, to that end, he lets himself look S over, enjoying the opportunity to see him. They're really going to have to figure out what to do about the shirt thing, but he still looks good, and it's been far too long since J got to see so for himself. Even when they were in bed just now, it was a different kind of view.

He's not entirely blind, certainly not when it comes to love. He knows he thinks highly of S, but he's also aware there are plenty of other attractive men in the world. It's just, as far as he's concerned, none of them compare, not really.

While he doesn't want to get in S's way, or to push for something when they're both tired and just trying to deal with everything that day has brought with it, he can't help wanting to reach out. If he's a little clingy today, well, he thinks they both are. Fingers curling in S's shirt, he tugs gently. "Not that I'm complaining, of course. Need any help?"

A little warmer and surer than before, S laughs at J's claim that he's insatiable, as if he's the only one of them for whom that's the case. Tempted as he is, he doesn't say that he missed J, or even that he missed this, as an explanation for it. It's true, but he would rather not draw attention to all the time they have to make up for, and with the way today has gone, he doubts he really needs to specify that there was never anyone else in the time that J was gone. In the months after he left, all S wanted was for him to come home; in the months after J died, even if he'd been physically capable of it, which he wasn't, S wouldn't have been interested in anyone else. Distantly, some part of him knows that he might have been, someday, but that mostly just feels unimaginable. And with J here now, it doesn't matter in the slightest. There's no one else he's ever wanted like this.

"You started it," he teases instead of any of that, though as he says so, he realizes he's not actually sure if that's true, already having lost track of who said what first. It was probably inevitable, anyway, being in the shower together, J naked and himself nearly so. When this was a more normal occurrence for them, it was easier not to get distracted by that sort of thing, though they often did anyway. Now, though — well, he can only speak for himself, but there's been a heady rush to all of it, a thrill in just being wanted again, and a good distraction from the heavier conversations he thinks they should continue to steer clear of. J laughs, and it's as beautiful as any piece of music S has ever heard; this, definitely, is a much better subject for the time being.

And although he really doesn't need help washing himself off, he can't resist with J so close, tugging on his shirt like that. "And yes," he says, holding out the soap for J again, even though S is pretty sure he'll know that's not actually true, "please."

Edited 2021-01-02 10:54 (UTC)

S is more than capable of taking a shower by himself, J knows. He doesn't need assistance. That isn't the point. There's something about this he enjoys very much, the way helping to clean S is both sensual and sweet, a way of taking care of him.

"I said I'm not complaining," he points out, his smile coming more readily this time. Soap in hand, he works up a lather before he starts using it on S. He should have grabbed the washcloth probably, and he's not sure he'll be all that effective, but that doesn't stop him from trying, even if that mostly consists of his running both the soap and his hands over what he can reach of S's body. "I like it when you're insatiable."

Granted, he's hardly a model of restraint himself. There have been times, conversely, when he hasn't wanted to have sex at all for days at a time, and there were lulls when he was too irritable even if he wanted it. Much of the time, though, well, it's hard to keep his hands off of S, even if it's only playful and in passing. In fact, it's nice to feel that way now, to find him so irresistible, more like things used to be. It's strange to feel so nostalgic and yet more present than he has in some time, but it's not a bad strange — more dreamlike and yet real at once.

It's a fairly ineffective way of getting clean, probably, but S finds that he doesn't care. Despite having said before that they would be quick, he isn't really that bothered by the wet fabric of his shirt clinging to him, and that's easily counterbalanced by how nice it is to have J's hands on him. Even without any intent behind it, he would like this, how natural it feels, how easy, like before and yet not, too. Everything has changed, and yet this is constant, something intimately, beautifully familiar in spite of all that's different. J was right before, he thinks again. In an apartment he's barely moved into in a strange city in a world that doesn't make a single bit of sense, this is home. S doesn't think it's being dramatic but just a simple fact to feel certain that it's the only one he could ever have had.

Again, he holds back the words on the tip of his tongue: I missed this. I missed you. He did, but he's said that so many times today, and he'll probably continue to do so, too, still awed by getting to have this second chance together. It's all he can do to keep still, and ultimately, he gives that up, carding his hand through J's wet hair, fingertips trailing along his jaw before S drops his hand back to his side again.

"Feels good," he says, his voice a little quieter, mouth curved in a small, affectionate smile. "Definitely not going to make me any less insatiable." It's more of a joke than not. Even meant entirely innocently, he's always loved how J touches him.

This is why it was always so good with S, J's pretty sure. The way his fingers feel in J's hair, tracing along his jaw, is so good, it gets under his skin, perhaps more than it should, if only because it's new again. At the same time, it's the way he smiles that makes J's heart stutter in his chest, the quiet, easy love there. With those two things combined, of course he could never resist him.

"So my plan is working," he teases, hands stilling against S's chest. He's the one who said they should be quick, and the wet fabric beneath his hands is a vivid reminder of that fact, but there's no harm in being playful. If anything, it's a good thing. He feels like he's having to relearn happiness and how to be loved, but when S looks at him like that, the old lessons return more easily. Before he gets back to cleaning S up, though, he takes a moment to lean in and kiss him, slow and sweet. "I told you I like it. And I like making you feel good." Even if it's just helping him get washed up, it's enough to know he managed that.

Maybe, eventually, he won't have to be so careful with what he says. S doesn't mind it, the effort more than worth it anyway, but again he has to bite back words that threaten to spill out of him, that don't feel quite right for the moment. It would be true, to say that this, today, is the best he's felt in such a long time, and he thinks J ought to know that, too. But he doesn't want to risk bringing to mind the time they spent apart and all the reasons he had to be unhappy, and he knows how likely it is that J will blame himself for that. It seems better just to stay here in the warm contentedness of this moment, letting his boyfriend touch him, doing the same in turn, both of his hands settling on J's hips. Holding back any mention of all that is easy, anyway, when J kisses him like that, S instinctively, approvingly leaning into it.

"I didn't realize you had a plan, but in that case, yes, definitely working," he says, a clear assent, his smile growing just a little wider, still inordinately fond. It feels downright insane, actually, to feel as good as he does when he felt so awful just earlier today, but that's all the more reason why he wants to hold onto this as long as he can. He does for J's sake, too, when all touching and jokes about insatiability aside, just seeing him look and sound like he does now would be enough to make S feel good all on their own. "What else did this plan of yours involve?"

It won't always be like this, J knows that. Once he comes to terms with being in this place and being alive, once he comes down from the delirium of being here at all, things won't be this simple. Already he's vaguely aware of it, has already considered that he's going to have a difficult decision to make when it comes to his music. But right now, like this, it's so easy just to think that this is all he wants. The way S smiles at him now is enough.

"I didn't think that far ahead," he says, huffing out a laugh. He didn't even have a plan exactly, but he was hoping a little for something. At this point, he'd accept anything that keeps them feeling okay. With the way S holds him close and looks at him like that, so loving, he's more than succeeded. "Touch you. Make you feel good." He shrugs. "Improvise from there, I guess." They've always been good at that.

"You are touching me," S says, glancing down at where J's hands rest against his chest. Briefly, he lets himself wish that he didn't have to keep his shirt on, that he could let J touch more of him without wet fabric in the way, but there isn't anything to be done about that just yet. For right now, it's more than worth it to be able to stand here like this, in the casual, familiar intimacy of showering together, the mood so much lighter than it was just an hour or two ago. Eventually, they will have to figure out something they can do that doesn't involve him having to stay half-dressed while taking a shower, but right now, just seeing J smile makes wearing his shirt worthwhile. S doubts that he would really believe it if he said as much, but as beautiful as he always finds J to be, he doesn't think he's ever as much so as when he's smiling.

Simply because he can, S leans in for another kiss, soft but lingering, before he continues. "And you are making me feel good. So I guess it's time to start improvising," he teases. He doesn't really have any expectations; if anything, saying as much is meant to let J decide if he wants to keep going or just use their shower for its originally intended purpose, back off before they go too far. For his own part, S would be happy with anything that involves having J close and still in good spirits while they last.

He could, of course, improvise by grabbing the shampoo and washing S's hair, or he could keep on with the soap. But S is almost annoyingly attractive like this — more so, J thinks, because of how simple and domestic it is, how warm and intimate in the familiarity of the moment. So he presses into him and kisses him again instead, taking his time now. He didn't get to kiss him during sex earlier. He intends to make up for that now.

"I could make you feel even better," he says when he draws back, just a bit, to look at S again. It's low, a suggestion, leaving room for deferment or interpretation. They're both tired, after all, and S is the one stuck in a wet shirt. J wouldn't blame him for not being enough in the mood to make this worthwhile. Even as he can feel himself wanting this more and more, he reminds himself there will be time enough later for second rounds and whatever else they come up with. That's far from the point of the promise he's made, but it's certainly at least a little motivation to keep it. "Unless you have other ideas."

Vague as it is, S doesn't really need to consider that, but he gives himself a moment to do so all the same before he nods. They could wait and keep the shower just a shower, but that isn't really what he wanted when they came in here in the first place, before they decided to keep it quick instead. Really, that would probably just make it all the more likely that would wind up back here sooner rather than later anyway. And between the day they've had and how long it's been since they were able to just enjoy each other's presence like this, he can't see anything wrong with chasing the impulse to feel good and make each other do so, to make the absolute most of it.

"No other ideas," he says, still smiling a little when he leans in for another, briefer kiss. "I like that one." He wants to do the same, too, of course, but he figures that probably goes without saying, and he doesn't know what, if anything, J specifically has in mind anyway. Whatever they do, though, he's sure the hot water will hold out long enough for him to reciprocate, and though he thought about the water bill earlier, he can't bring himself to keep caring about that. It's worth it to get to have this. Just about anything would be, to keep J looking like he does now.

The thing is, this works, at least for a little while. Maybe he can't keep the dark thoughts out of his head forever, or even for long, but J can keep them at bay when he focuses on S. After so long apart, it would be difficult to get into the shower with him like this and not be at least a little hopeful about sex, but it's all the more appealing for how thoroughly it helps J stay present and calm, plus the satisfaction of doing something for S.

So although he said they shouldn't linger, he does exactly that. "So do I," he says, ducking away long enough to set the soap down. When he straightens up, he runs his hands down S's chest, slipping under his shirt to rest against his stomach as he leans in for a kiss, longer this time, a little deeper. Sometimes just that is enough, really. Just kissing S, taking his time with it, feels good enough to get to him. Besides, there's no point getting on his knees yet in a wet bathtub until S is at least somewhat hard again, but getting him there is half the fun.

Even with a bigger shower, it's not like there's a ton of room, so when he nudges S back, there isn't far to go before they meet the wall.

Having now both decided to do this, whatever this winds up being, it's even easier than a moment before to lean into it when J kisses him. His hands settle a little more firmly on J's hips, in part to help keep himself steady as he steps backwards at J's prompting, and in part, too, just because S likes the way he feels, the soft warmth of J's skin under his hands, the familiar shape of him. It's not quite what he remembers — he thought, earlier, that J seemed slighter than he used to be, and he still believes so now — but that's sort of nice, too, the same but not, like everything else. This can't be exactly what it was before; there were reasons it didn't work, and neither of them is who they were then anyway. But the heart of it is unchanged, and the way he feels for J is, too, except in the way S thinks he understands him a little better now and loves him — wants him — all the more for thinking he would never get to have this again.

His back hits the wall, and he hums quietly into the kiss, content and encouraging at once. They probably can't, or shouldn't, spend the whole rest of the day kissing in the shower, but he doesn't feel as feverishly hurried as he did earlier, happy enough to savor this for a while, to drink it in. More will be nice, too, of course, but he's not as desperate to get there. It feels too good, J's hands and mouth and body against his; it feels like hope.

J could easily get lost in this, just kissing S lazily under the spray of hot water. It's so comfortable. Safe is what comes to mind. He feels safe here and loved, and even as he feels increasingly electric physically, the combination of lack of sleep and feeling so sweetly wanted has him relaxing into that more readily, less inclined to resist. If he were more awake, he might remind himself that simply doing things because he wants the end result, regardless of the moral implications, is probably a habit he shouldn't be indulging so much. With his mind feeling pleasantly distant, it's a bit easier not to be so combative.

It's less the thought of passing time or rushing this along and more the idle idea that he wants more that prompts J to draw back, ducking his head to mouth along S's jaw instead, pressing kisses down his neck. He should probably be more hurried, but he doesn't want to be. Before today, he can't really remember the last time he was held or hugged. It was S, he's sure of that. There hasn't really been anyone else who's wanted to for years now, much less anyone he'd be inclined to permit to do so. It's nice just to take his time, tasting the combination of clean water and faint salt, the slightly diluted familiarity of S's skin, enjoying the feel of S's hands at his hips. His own wander idly, smoothing down over his hips and along his ass, fingertips tracing down the rise of his hipbone.

He nuzzles against S's neck, pressing a soft kiss to his throat, not quite biting back a small sound of disappointment at being unable to progress much further. It's for the best, he knows, for his own sake, really, but it's still a shame. "Always so good," he says, muffled into S's neck, partly a reminder to himself, "just being with you like this."

It feels better than S figures it probably ought to, the way J's mouth trails along his neck, his own head tipping back as best it can against the wall to give him more room. Distantly, he remembers deliberately not doing that earlier, one small hesitation after what happened before, but so much has changed today even since they first started kissing on the couch. Thinking about it is sort of dizzying, actually, but with where they've wound up, mostly in a good way; so is the way J touches him, kisses him, as addictive as ever, his lips so sweet. As good as the sex was earlier, as much as he wanted that, S admittedly also missed this as a result, the easy affection in it, just being close to each other. There's a hell of a lot he's missed, most of it actually not physical, but this has to be near the top of the list.

"Yeah," he agrees, the word not much more than an exhale. Not being able to reach anything else yet, he brushes his lips against J's hair, his own hands starting to roam a little, though not out of any desire to rush this. It just feels too good being able to touch J, something he didn't get as much of a chance to do earlier. They'll have time now, though. How much of it, he doesn't know, very much not wanting to think about it now but knowing that he shouldn't assume J trying to stay means J will stay. Still, it's something. With that being the case, it's easier not to try to surge too far ahead too fast. Having already had sex not very long ago helps temper that, too, getting some of his earlier desperation out of his system.

Everything feels pleasant and relaxed instead, even that spark of want that he let flare to life when they decided to keep going a steady warmth rather than something bright and sharp. "Feels nice. It always does." It feels nice, too, to be able to say that in the present tense rather than the past.

It's often the little things that get to J. Sometimes that isn't the case, when he's too focused on something he's working on or too out-of-sorts to pay attention, and he'll need to be nudged more firmly, but most of the time, it's the details. It's the way he feels the softest brush of lips against his hair, and it's the way S speaks, low and relaxed and hushed. It's the warmth of their bodies pressed against each other and how the way S touches him is familiar even after so long. It's all the little things that feel like home, that speak to how long they've loved each other, how well they know each other that get under his skin.

It's nice to be back, he thinks absently. They're in an unfamiliar bathtub in, apparently, an entirely unknown world, his having somehow survived death or been brought from it, having nearly killed S. There shouldn't be a back, because this isn't what it once was, and yet that's exactly how it feels, like returning to comfort and safety. There's little as intoxicating as being this loved and wanted, let alone by someone he loves so much in turn.

He lifts his head to seek out another kiss. "You alway feel nice," he murmurs, and he's not sure if that actually means anything or not, but it feels true. Reaching down between them, he curls his fingers loosely around S's dick, which he thinks just proves whatever point he might have had.

Until today, S wouldn't even have been able to say how long it had been since someone touched him like this. Months, surely, and probably longer; it isn't as if there was much of this easy intimacy in the time leading up to J leaving. He ought to stop thinking about it, really. It's just difficult to do otherwise when the prolonged lack of this, even without being at all rushed now, makes him all the more pliant and responsive now, instinctively leaning into it when J kisses him again, his hands still absently trailing over J's back and hips and ass, mapping out the way his body feels mostly just for the sake of being able to do so.

Just this would have been good enough — easy to get lost in, everything that isn't this, them, starting to fall away again. J touches him, though, and while it isn't exactly unexpected, S can't help the way his body reacts in turn, breath hitching, hips canting just slightly forward. It isn't even much in the way of contact yet, but he has always loved J's hands. Besides, with as good as he feels, all caught up in the man he loves, he doubts it will take very much to get him hard again.

"Feels good, too," he says, soft and encouraging, before he draws J into another kiss, gently parting his lips to deepen it.

This has always been a kind of music, too, the two of them together. Even as he takes the lead, he follows S, too, all but melting under his touch, lips parting readily. Maybe that's part of why he enjoy this so much; it's give and take for both of them. So often in their relationship, he feels like he asks for more than he gives, even he doesn't mean to. He needs attention or space by turns, he needs to be watched over and handled just right, and he's sure it's annoying, no matter how much S loves him. In his dark moments, it leaves him feeling petty and selfish. There's no room for that here. At least when it comes to sex, things feel balanced.

So he follows S's lead, the way he kisses and the way his body reacts to J's touch so heady, he's almost dizzy with it. He nearly gets entirely lost in it, a few moments passing before he remembers what he was doing. His grip firmer now, but still gentle, he starts stroking, smiling into S's mouth for a moment before he deepens the kiss again. S reacts so beautifully to every touch, which brings its own kind of pleasure, though the way his hands wander over J's body certainly doesn't hurt. With a little sound of agreement, he slips his free hand into S's hair.

At times like this, when they're soft and happy, he knows there never could have been anyone else. Now, though, having this again for the first time in so long, it occurs to him that was always the case. Even when they were apart, there wasn't anyone else he wanted. Even had he lived longer, there couldn't have been anyone. He would have lived a lifetime alone rather than love anyone else.

Out of everything that's happened today, S isn't sure if it makes the most sense or the least that they've fallen so easily back into this, as if their bodies and their instincts remembered how to be together, still drawn to each other, even before they managed to have a coherent conversation about it to decide to take that step. At least they've done that now, too, but S knows it wouldn't make any difference if they hadn't. He would still want this, still be pulled into J's orbit, longing for what he went so long without, at once satisfied and made hungrier by the steady stroke of his hand. Then again, this part has always come easily, at least once they first took and navigated this step, what feels like so long ago now. It shouldn't be surprising at all that that sense memory is still there, at least on his end. That J still wants him too — that he never stopped — is more so, something S is still working on processing, but it's at least easier to believe that with J's hand on his dick and J's mouth against his.

He hums into the kiss, not needy yet, exactly, but approving, wanting. His own hands keep moving until they don't, and he keeps kissing until he doesn't, his breathing a little shallow when he draws back, fingertips gently resting over one hipbone. "Wanna touch you too," he murmurs. "Can I?" Really, he doubts he needs to ask, smiling a little as he does, but he wants to say it, and wants to hear J's response, too. It always felt good — incredible, really, surreal in the best sort of way and yet making perfect sense, too, like pieces slotting into place — to be wanted by J, but it's even headier now than it ever was before. Just that in itself is a feeling S wants to hold onto.

It's a silly question, really. The answer is rarely no. Even so, J makes a soft, wanting sound as he nods. Whether or not the question is pointless doesn't matter. He likes hearing it. It's sound as much as touch that gets to him. Maybe that's part and parcel of being a musician, or maybe it's just that S always sounds so good saying these things. "Please," he says, a touch breathless himself. He doesn't really need to say it either, but he likes that, too, likes knowing that S enjoys hearing it.

Just touching S, kissing him, is enough to make him want more, too, anyway. For all his teasing, he's every bit as insatiable once they get started, all the more so now. How could he not be when S is like this? Whatever he may or may not deserve, S deserves to feel loved and wanted and good. Feeling him get harder in J's grasp only makes J respond in kind, vividly aware of wanting. At least it's gentler now, warming, not the intense need of before. As enjoyable as that was, it's these quieter moments he always remembers best.

It's just about the response S is expecting, but that doesn't make him like it any less, his expression just the slightest bit more self-satisfied before he kisses J again. His hand slips lower as he does, wrapping around J's dick in turn to start slowly, steadily stroking him. S doesn't even realize, at first, how naturally he matches J's tempo, reading the cues in his voice and breath and body like they're playing a duet. Certainly he can't think of any music more beautiful than the way J sounds like this, all the more so for the knowledge that he did this. Like so much else today, it's even better than he remembered, maybe in part because of how long it's been, and the fact that they were never supposed to be able to do this again.

At least that much is easier not to dwell on with too much seriousness — to register, but then move past — when having J touch him feels so good. S almost says so, but he's dimly aware that he just did, so he tries to say it without words, kissing J just the slightest bit more intently for it, another soft sound in the back of his throat. Of course, it's probably obvious anyway, the way he's getting harder rather impossible to miss with J touching him like this, but still, he wants J to know, to hear it.

It hasn't been long at all since they decided to focus on this instead of getting clean, but still, J feels like he's been waiting forever, absurdly relieved just to have S touch him. His plan, inasmuch as he ever had one here, was to get S off. Doing so, though, is a process that's guaranteed to get him worked up in turn; it would be impossible, he's pretty sure, not to get hard listening to the little sounds S makes and the way his breath catches.

Not that he isn't make noises of his own, moaning quietly once S finally gets his hand on him. The intimacy of being able to kiss and touch each other like this is all the more heady after not getting to earlier, more so still for the way they instinctively match each other. It's nice to be reminded of how well they can work together when he's willing. And he is now, more than, tension curling around and up his spine. "Fuck," he sighs, slightly tremulous, and for all that he's enjoying this less urgent pace, he also wants so many things at once. "Can I —" He doesn't want S to stop, really, but if he lets this go on for long, he'll get too distracted. Gently nudging S's hand away, he ignores his own tiny whine as he draws back to get down on his knees, pressing a kiss to S's hip. "Is this okay?"

A little confused at first when J pushes his hand away, S furrows his brow, but the reason for it becomes apparent before he gets a chance to ask. Somehow, it isn't what he's expecting, despite the fact that, minutes ago, he was considering doing the same thing. This, though, is impossible to object to, the sight of J on his knees in front of him stealing the breath from S's lungs, making it difficult, for just a moment, to formulate a response to what's really a very simple and self-explanatory question.

"Yeah," he finally says, sighs, really, reaching over with the hand that wasn't just stroking J's dick to rest it lightly, briefly against his cheek. He's so beautiful, S thinks — has always thought, but he's especially struck by it now. "Very okay." He almost adds if you're sure, but J seems to be, and S doesn't think he would be doing this if he weren't. Instead, a flicker of a smile crosses his face as he lets out a breath that's very nearly a laugh. "As long as I get to go next."

Clearly, they've given up on any notion of making this quick. With that being the case, S thinks he might as well do what he wanted to in the first place, as eager for that as he is what's being offered to him now.