이젠 다시 돌아가고 싶지 않아

[beklemmt]

It's a dream. It has to be. J knows that, tells himself that over and over until he can't make his mind form the words anymore. At a certain point, the fear and the horror are too much. That's how it always is. He never feels entirely in his own control when he does it, though he knows he is, he must be, to make these kinds of choices. Still, it feels — felt, really — like his hands do the work on their own, like he's watching from afar. It's a terrible contradiction — to need to be far enough removed from it to keep from losing his nerve, to be enmeshed enough to feel it so it has the required effect. To know the fright in the eyes of someone dying at his hands, palpable enough that he takes what he needs from it, held enough at bay he could keep himself from falling apart after the fact or from stopping before he was done.

It's a little bit different tonight. He sees them in the shadows, hardly more than shadows themselves, hovering at the edges of his vision, but there's no victim before him tonight, no murder to relive. There's just a visceral wrongness, like he's hovering on the edge of understanding, aware they're here and that they aren't. He forgets things even as they happen, and it's the last of it he'll remember when he wakes.

There's a car. It's a worn-down old thing, the best he could afford, but it keeps running in spite of that and the damage he's done to it — did to it, that night, going too fast — but it's not moving now. He's sitting behind the wheel and it's quiet and it's dark, and something is very wrong. It's the smell, he thinks, and it takes him a moment for it to click before he realizes he knows it very, very well. It's been a long time, though, since he smelled it so strongly, the sour metallic bite of blood in the air, flooding the car, inescapable. The window won't roll down, and he leans across the seat to try the other (and he wonders, in the back of his head, why he doesn't just open the door, but he doesn't), but his hands slip, the handle slick. The blood was already there, though. He knows that when he sees it, that it isn't touching the door or the seat when he slips that does it. It was already there — is still there, on his hands, on the steering wheel, mottling the passenger seat. He knows it's there when he turns to look at the backseat — too much, more than there should be, more than there was, and it won't come out, it won't ever come out. It's happening now, but when it happened before, he scrubbed at it until his hands were red, his cheeks and eyes were red, and still he felt sure it was everywhere, seeping between the fibers until the seats were soaked in it. And it's not real, it can't be real, because this didn't happen. S didn't die, he knows that, he's sure of it, but he must have, because no one can bleed that much and live.

That's the part that cuts through the panic, slices so sharp he can feel his skin crawl, his breath stop in his throat. There's too much. Is this a dream or was it a dream to think he fixed things somehow? Was he too late? Did he go too far after all? He's faintly aware of the sounds he's making, sharp gasps as he struggles to catch his breath, high-pitched whimpers of protest. When he leans further into the backseat, he's afraid he'll find a body still there, though he should be able to see it from the driver's seat, but he can't stop himself pitching forward, clutching at the armrest. He never got used to this smell. It grew familiar, but he hates it — in the same faraway manner in which he feels everything but abject despair — and he can't get away from it. The knife shouldn't be here, he knows that, he's absolutely certain of it, but then he's not really sure of anything. He left it in his rooms, he knows he did, but maybe he didn't. There's too much that he's can't say with any real confidence, too many patches of time he can't account for, too many memories he might have made up.

It's dark still and he can't breathe, bent forward instead of back, leaning over the blanket and draped over the knees he's pulled up to his chest. Clutching at the sheet, the sounds he makes are incomprehensible even to himself, almost inhuman, harsh, panicked breaths punching out of him as he struggles to get air past how tight his throat has become, past the sobs that start to shake him as soon as his body is alert enough, well before his mind catches up. He tries to call S's name, terrified he isn't there to respond, but he can't make it come out, can't force his body to turn. If he's alone, if it was real, if it's true, then he'll die like this, struggling for air like some of them did. The thought of that is enough to make some part of him want just to give up and let darkness take him again. "Please," he mumbles, desperate, unable to manage anything else. It's hardly the first time he's woken up (he is awake, isn't he?) in a panic, but not like this, rarely so pronounced and all-encompassing.

Comments

[hismelody]

As ever, S knows that they'll likely never see this the same way, J too hard on himself, S perhaps a bit too understanding. He doesn't believe that he's wrong, though. The things J did, he did, and S can't undo that or absolve him of it. The only forgiveness that's his to offer is for what J did to him, and he gives that without question and an equal amount of trust, but the fact that J has murdered people is irrefutable. Still, the reasons why he did so matter, too. He wasn't acting alone. The very idea wasn't his, and was pushed at every turn by someone whom J should have been able to trust, who'd already gone out of his way to get J alone. Of course he went along with it. For all S knows, if J hadn't, the professor would have gone to the police about the first accident, and that would have been that. Warranted, maybe, when that very much is a thing that happened, too, but S can hardly blame J for trying to protect himself. If he'd been there, if J had been speaking to him then, that one phone call aside, he would have tried to protect J, too, even if it broke his heart to do so, knowing how that first death occurred. Even now, that's the one that sits the most uneasily with him, and that, too, wouldn't have happened without the professor alternately ignoring and criticizing J and pushing him to drink. J didn't have to do it, but a good teacher wouldn't have put him in that position at all, and the professor had to know already what kind of hold he had over J.

"It's not weakness," he says, quiet and almost pleading, desperately earnest. "You weren't a coward. He was your teacher. I... I'm not saying that it wasn't wrong. Or that you weren't part of it. I'm not. I —" From the very beginning, here, he's wanted to make sure that J knows that he's going into this with his eyes open, with full awareness and acknowledgment of the things that happened. Now is no exception, even if he can barely get the words out, his eyes closing as he tries to do so. The rest of it, though, he means just as utterly. "But it was all so... fucking twisted. He should have been helping you. When he found out about the first, he shouldn't have suggested that you try it again, but on purpose this time."

It is, again, all he can do to keep the anger from his voice and the tension from his limbs. This time, though, he manages, softened by the way it hurts to hear J crying and the way J has curled against him, his heart aching with it. Although he feels perilously close to tears again too, if nothing else for how overwhelming it is to be saying all of this at last, he tries to keep that back, too, continuing as soothingly as he can. "But you were alone. And you just told me yourself what he would have said if he'd known you didn't follow through with me. He would have said the same thing then. Told you you didn't want it enough. Anything to wring whatever music out of you that he could."

[beklemmt]

There's a measure of comfort in hearing S say it was wrong. He knows S sees what he's done for what it is, but it helps to be reminded that he recognizes what J did. If he can look at that head on and acknowledge it and still say that it wasn't wholly J's fault, then J can at least try to hear what he's saying. It's hard to wrap his head around the idea that S is quite right, but he can see a bit how he's right about some of it.

It hurts so much that he feels nearly numb with it again, aching and scraped out, crying quietly into S's chest. He could protest and say that's only what he imagined the professor would say, but it's plain now from all S has told him that he was probably right, that he would have been chastised and told what a disappointment he is. As fragile as he already felt, he couldn't have handled that. He couldn't even handle what was hurled at him when he said he wouldn't continue.

He let himself believe that what the professor guided him towards was his way of helping him. But it wasn't, it never was, and J feels painfully foolish for having believed it and for wishing he'd been right. It was twisted, yes, but it helped to feel someone supported him. Someone knew what he was doing and instead of turning him in or drawing back in disgust... but he should have. He should have done exactly that, and J let himself believe he was lucky that the professor chose otherwise.

"I was alone," he mumbles. "So alone. I couldn't tell you. My mother — I could never — I didn't want her to know. No one else knew. Just him. It was exhausting. I should have told you." S would have helped him, would have stopped him. Maybe he would have been every bit as horrified as J imagined at the time, but he would have been there all the same.

[hismelody]

S stays quiet for a moment, still holding J close, hand dropping to smooth up and down his back again, eyes prickling with tears. It was all such a mess, and for as awful as all of it was, he thinks that must be the part that's worst — that they didn't stand a chance, all but doomed from the moment the professor entered their lives, that they would never even have been able to say these things to each other if not for this place. So many things they both could or should have done differently, and yet in both of their cases, he can understand why they didn't, why nothing else seemed to be an option. The same isn't true of the professor, who was only ever out for himself, not caring whose lives were ruined or ended in the process. S wouldn't even be surprised if there were others before J. None with similar endings, certainly, the murders and suicide more than a little extreme, but the isolation and reliance and ultimately theft, it seems unlikely that that was the first time those methods came into play, just as his own music wasn't the first the professor bargained for or stole.

If there were others, similarly used and discarded, perhaps too afraid to say anything, S can only hope that they might get some closure from a trial, too, the professor's lies brought to light at last. It would be worth whatever it took to get some small measure of justice anyway, but it would be even more so if there are still people living who might be helped by it, no matter what would have happened to him in the process. Showing up here, he may have dodged those consequences, but his awareness of the likelihood of them hasn't faded, if only because that's one more thing he hasn't been able to bring himself to tell J, how fucked up he was that he just didn't care anymore if anyone found out about him. For all the things he'd go back and change now if he could, that still isn't one of them. Being with J again here, he's had something to protect once more, but that's been for J's sake, not his own. It's beside the point now anyway, nothing he wants to derail this by bringing up.

Comforting his crying boyfriend is far more important, even if he's starting to cry a little again, too. "I wish you had," he says, whisper-soft, a deliberate echo of J's words from a few moments before. "But I understand why you didn't." Of course J didn't tell him that he killed someone while driving drunk. It isn't like they'd even been talking then anyway, like J was keeping it to himself while the two of them were together. Having talked around those specifics even now, though, it feels important to keep going, to say more. "I would've been there, though," he adds. "I want you to know that. Whatever it took... however hard it was... I would have helped you." Head leaning gently against J's, he sniffles. "And I'm sorry. That you were alone. That someone you trusted did that to you."

[beklemmt]

J isn't really sure what to think anymore of how it all played out. A lot of the fault was his own, but when he tries to say so, he has to bite it back. It is his fault he was alone, but it's not only his fault. He should have tried harder, been a better boyfriend, and he let himself be led away. That's on him, that he was so easily drawn along, but he knows, too, how messed up he was back then. He still is, he's pretty sure, but in different ways, and he copes better with it now for knowing he doesn't have to do so alone. It's not a complete solution, but he's not sure such a thing exists. But it was so easy to draw into himself, and from there, the things the professor said — he doesn't know, really, if they made sense or not, but at the time, sad and desperate as he was, of course he latched onto them. He was alone by his own stupid choice, but he can no longer know if he would have made that same choice on his own.

It's an uncomfortable thing, to be so unsure how much control he had or in what ways he allowed himself to be controlled. None of this had to happen. If he'd listened sooner, if he'd been stronger, if he'd seen through the professor's manipulations, he wouldn't have done the things he did. Maybe he would have been a terrible boyfriend even so, still falling apart without knowing why, but he wouldn't have killed anyone, and the former is much easier to fix than the latter.

That S understands why he never said anything leaves J feeling all the guiltier. He knows, he's sure, that S is thinking of the same thing he is. If he'd stabbed someone in a drunken stupor, it would have been awful, and yet he still thinks he might have confessed to S more readily, too panicked to hold it in. But driving drunk, hitting someone — he could never have told S. Even now, he's never really talked about it, only let his journal speak for him. It's too horrible to face. "I know you would have," he sniffles, just barely making himself let go of S's shirt so he can rub at his face with his forearm. It registers a moment later that he's thankful he wore something with long sleeves. They make for a more convenient handkerchief and he doesn't want to see or feel his scars right now. "I should have..."

He was, he's pretty sure, the worst boyfriend in history. Since coming here, he's done much, much better. It would be difficult to do as poorly or worse, but he's worked hard all the same, and found that focusing on doing his best to give S the kind of relationship he should have has helped him in turn. If nothing else, it gives him something to do with his days when S isn't home and it means he's much better than he's ever been about communicating when something is wrong.

That's harder right now, when he's still crying, mostly quiet but for the occasional tiny hiccuping sob. "I don't know how I didn't see it," he says, utterly miserable. Or mostly, at least. There's a comfort in the way S strokes his back and holds him close, and an uncomfortable sense of relief that goes with all the things he's having to reevaluate in his memory. "I'm sorry you were alone too." He did that. That's on him, leaving S all by himself because J trusted the wrong person, because S just wanted to protect him. Because J is hard to protect, too stubborn and contrary, too determined and defiant, and if he'd known, he would have done something stupid and the professor would have ruined them both anyway.

[hismelody]

As much as he might like to, S can't deny that or downplay it, can't tell J that it's alright. He was alone, and it was awful. When his parents died, he didn't think that anything could feel worse, but he was wrong. At least back then, he had J, someone to hold him through the worst of it even before they became a couple, who went out of his way to try to make him smile. He had music then, too, falling in love with it as he fell in love with J, his already existing interest blossoming into something more and filling a void, giving him something to work towards. Even when things were awful, they were wonderful. Their apartment was minuscule and they had no money, and yet the world seemed full of promise. All of that fell apart so quickly, and then he had no one and nothing, showing up here utterly bereft, the one thing that was keeping him going accomplished. He could, he knows, have found the same purpose in whatever trial played out, but with the professor having so thoroughly incriminated himself, he doesn't really have any doubts about how that would have gone. It was as good as done, and he was still alone.

"I know you are," he murmurs, something twisting guiltily in his chest even as he does, as if he shouldn't even be acknowledging how alone he was, giving J one more burden to carry. Even if he tried, though, he doesn't think he could convincingly deny it. J knows him too well for that. Besides, if there's anything to take away from tonight — and there's a lot, really, but if there's one thing that's most prominent — it's how important it is to him to be honest with J. He should have said all of this sooner, though he knows why he didn't. He should have told J everything from the start, to hell with the consequences. There was no way, of course, for him to have that perspective back then, to guess at how much worse things could be than the pair of them being outed, but all the same, he wishes he'd been straightforward from the jump, told J how he got his scholarship before the professor could really sink his hooks into him. "But you're here now. We're together. And he can't touch us here."

That's been a comfort since he first found J on the sidewalk that day, really, but never so much so as it is right now, when he can reassure J with it, too, the truth, or at least most of it, out at last. Sniffling again, his arms still around J as if in a belated attempt to protect him, S kisses his hair, about all he can do right now. "No more secrets, alright?" he says, just a bit more of a question in his voice than he intends for there to be, though he pushes past it. "I mean that for me, too. Not... It doesn't have to mean saying everything, but the big things. Whatever it is, we face it together." They're so much better together than apart. He's always known that, or at least believed it, even when they were children and allying himself with J made an outcast of him in turn and defending his best friend landed him in trouble at school on more than one occasion, but he's never felt as sure of it as he does now. Anything they could be up against, they stand far more of a chance together. At least, no matter how bad things might be, they'll be able to weather it with each other.

[beklemmt]

Again J finds himself thankful that S hasn't told him it's okay or that he's not at all to blame. It gives him more room to believe what he's being told. There's no longer the sense he once had that even telling S the truth would be a lie, the way he felt when they still lived in that little studio, how he was afraid that too much truth would push S away and too little would leave him writing it off as readily solved. After years of lies, there's a great deal of solace in the truth. S recognizes the terrible things he's done for what they are and loves him anyway.

He nods, tiny and quick, into S's shirt, shifting slightly in his arms so he can move his head to S's shoulder. "Together," he echoes. The thought of being safe here leaves him a little sick, mostly because it makes him think of the alternative. Had they been at home still, had he somehow survived, he would still have thought all of that was entirely on him. He would have trusted the professor in the aftermath and done as he was told he should, and it's unnerving to realize now how malleable he was. He has the uneasy sense he hasn't yet fully grasped all that this means, but it's hard enough to know that a lot of what he believed was a lie. Maybe there's a bit of relief in it, too — one thing that's worried him again and again is the thought that this was always in him, that he was always a killer deep down, and now he can, at least, tentatively prod at the likelihood that isn't the case. Even so, it's going to be a while before he knows what to make of all of it beyond the immediate sense of hurt and betrayal and foolishness.

"No more secrets," he adds with another nod. "I know better now." The truth of that is probably evident in how he's behaved these last few months. Even when it's hard, even if it takes him a little while to say something or to know how to put things when he tries to, he's made an effort to do it anyway. But there are times, he knows, when he brushes things off for too long or he worries about saying them. And yet, even if S is bothered by any of it, he's always so patient. He doesn't judge the way J so often does — other people, maybe, but not J.

"It helps." His hand traces down to S's chest again, curling in his shirt. J has a brief flicker of desire to place his hand against S's heart again, to feel it steady and sure, but the fabric is damp at best, and it isn't worth it. Sniffling again, he draws in a deeper breath, trying to get his lungs to cooperate more thoroughly. "When I tell you things... just knowing I can," he continues. "Ah, I've felt better, I really have. I should have said before about that night, but I really didn't think it was that important." He leans his head to the side so he can look up at S again. It's dark and he's tired and his eyes hurt, but even his boyfriend's silhouette is comforting. "You help me see things differently. Or at least feel less alone. You should have that too."

[hismelody]

Quietly reassured, S nods in turn. This much, at least, he hadn't expected to go badly, but it's as good a response as he could have hoped for. They're both of them a mess, and saying all of this — seeing J's reaction — has somehow made it all the more real, thus making it sadder and more painful, too. Thinking about how the professor treated J and seeing J begin to recognize that is devastating, infuriating. S hadn't thought he could hate that man any more than he already did, but as it turns out, he was wrong about that, too. No one should be able to do the things he did and get away with it. At least, in the end, he didn't, but the damage was already done. J was already gone. The thought of it causes S to cling to him just a little more desperately now, even as his touch stays soothing, his heart lodged up in his throat. They can't change it now. Over and over, he's told himself that. The past is the past, and it's what brought them to where they are now. All they can do is try to get it right this time.

"It's important to me," he says softly, as if he hasn't already made that obvious, studying J's face as best he can in the dark. "Knowing that you did that for me..." He shrugs, nose wrinkling, self-conscious. It isn't as if it makes any kind of difference where his feelings are concerned, or his sense of safety. For months, he's been here, sharing his life and his bed with J, without any qualms about doing so. Never once has he felt uneasy about doing so or like J might try to hurt him again. Even so, it means the world to know the lengths that J tried to go to for him — that he wasn't subconsciously spared, that J wasn't just unable to follow through on what he started, but that J actively tried, and succeeded, to save his life before it was too late. Although there were times when surviving felt like a punishment, it's different on this side of things, and deeply moving to consider.

Given his own words and how utterly he means them, he knows that there's more he should probably say here, details he hasn't yet given voice to. Better, maybe, to get it all out in the open like ripping off a band-aid than to have to go through all of this multiple times. Still, he doesn't want to put too much on J all at once when it's all so upsetting. J deserves the truth — S should have told him sooner, he knows he should have, but it was hard to risk venturing into territory that would leave J in a state like this and harder still to shake the residual fear of what was held over his head for so long, even knowing logically that they would be safe here — but now that they're here, S can give it to him a little at a time. He wants this moment, anyway, for the two of them just to be together. "And you do give me that too," he adds, quiet, fond. "Being with you... It helps so much."

[beklemmt]

J knows, better than anyone else does, how painfully broken he is, how the pieces all fit wrong. He's tried hard to fix what he can these last few months, though he suspects S has done most of the work, but if there's a long-term solution, something to make him the way he once was, he doesn't know of it. Most of the time, he can live with or around these things. That's a relief, given that, with all he's just been told, he has the keen sense that the next few days will be hard as he figures out what it all means. He knows enough to be aware that one revelation has a way of creating others, and that he'll be examining his memories for days.

What he also knows is that this is one particular way in which he differs greatly from S — from most people, he thinks. People can be tough on themselves, he knows, and often tend to be more so than their friends and family. But somehow he can't turn it off. He has to struggle to find the good in himself, sees only the flaws, and he knows he's doing it, because S looks at the same things in such a different light, and he knows that he takes it to extremes. Like most things, really.

He lifts his head a little, pressing a soft kiss to S's cheek. "I wish I saw myself more like you do," he murmurs. "I don't know how to be so nice to me. I only saw how it wasn't enough or it didn't count. It's still hard sometimes to see how I can help any. But I'm glad I do. I love you so much, darling." It's been a hard night, condensed into a very brief period, and he's too tired to process it fully. This, though, he knows with absolute clarity. He's lucky to have S in his corner, lucky that he can give S anything in return, lucky in so many ways. They wouldn't be in such a mess if he'd understood that a long time ago, or if he'd never forgotten, but at least they're here now.

[hismelody]

It isn't as if S doesn't know these things. They aren't exactly new, after all. He isn't sure, actually, when it started, when the self-doubt began to erode so much of the confidence J had when they were younger, but it's been the case for a long while now. Still, there's an ache in hearing it, something that makes S draw him a little closer, as if doing so could prove just how completely he means what he's said. With this, too — with the fact that J saved his life — it was enough. The fact that he's here now, alive and whole, is proof enough of that. True, he wouldn't have needed saving if J hadn't attacked him in the first place, but if anything, that makes the change of heart mean that much more. The easier thing would probably have been just to let him die, or to leave him for dead somewhere and hope for the best. J went so far beyond that, it's still a little overwhelming to think about, even if he knows he would have done the same in a heartbeat, gone to whatever lengths necessary to try to save J's life. They're hopelessly intertwined, the pair of them. S wouldn't have it any other way.

"I love you, too," he replies, the words easy and heartfelt. "I'll just have to be nice to you for the both of us." He almost leaves it at that, the faintest flicker of a smile crossing his face. Despite how wrecked they are, there's a sweetness to J's demeanor now, too, that leaves S ridiculously fond. Maybe it's the awareness that there's more still he hasn't told J yet, or maybe it's the fact that he's just agreed to have no more secrets, but he finds himself wanting to continue. These past few months, he's barely alluded to the time after J left, after J died, saying little more than that it was difficult. For that matter, he's still wary of talking about just how fucked up he was in J's absence, too tired and frayed to give more than a passing thought to the notion that he might have already made that too clear tonight. If there's any time to make reference to it, though, he thinks it might be now, knowing no other way to make clear just how much being with J helps.

His hand smooths over J's hair again, his touch light, instinctive. "I don't know how to tell you," he continues, voice quieting a little, "how much it helps just to have you here. How bad it was before we found each other again." He had no one and nothing left, only determination to make the professor pay, and that could only ever have sustained him for so long. "That's why... I wanted... At least that was one thing I could do. Getting him to admit what he did. It wouldn't make things right, but... as close to it as they could be." He shrugs, helpless, without pulling away. "Other than that, it was all just... empty. It's not, now."

[beklemmt]

Again J feels tears spring to his eyes, though at least he doesn't start outright crying again. It's hard, painfully so, to think about S alone. It's his own fault and he knows it. That's what makes it worse, really, that he chose that for S, didn't give him a say, that S was lonely not just because J picked that but because he missed J. He abandoned him so utterly. His awareness of that has been one of the many reasons why he's tried so hard to be a better boyfriend this time around.

Until tonight, though, he didn't know what S had done or what the professor was guilty of. That's why he nearly starts crying again, the sudden pang of realization at S's words. Nudging into S's touch, he closes his eyes. He'd thought, for a moment, of saying that S is already nice for both of them, but this new perspective is a bit overwhelming. "For me," he murmurs. "You did that for me."

Even when he was already dead, even when he'd tried to kill S, not even knowing J had tried to help him in the end, S did what he could to set things right. Some of that, J is sure, was because S needs to be able to do things. But he could have found something else, surely, to focus his energy on. He chose the path that would bring some measure of justice for J's victims. For J.

"You're incredible," he adds, soft. "Even with me gone, after all I did, you protected me."

[hismelody]

If everything weren't so heavy right now, it might almost be funny, how he just finished saying that he would be nice to J for both of them and yet instinctively wants to deflect J's assessment of what he did. It isn't even that he has as low an opinion of himself as he's seen to be the case for J. It's just that he doesn't see it as anything that makes him incredible when it was just self-explanatory, not a choice he had to make but the only thing he could do. Knowing what he knew, with everything such a mess, he had one way to try to make things just a little less wrong.

This, too, is almost funny, in a sad sort of way. Both of them protected each other, both of them did what they felt like they had to, belated damage control for the other's sake. Just like J's getting him to the hospital on time didn't change the fact that his life needed saving at all, his confronting the professor couldn't undo what J went through or bring back the dead. To him, knowing what J did for him means the world, but he wouldn't even have given that much thought to what he did if not for what J says now.

"Of course I did," he replies, soft and a little bewildered, hand cradling the back of J's head. "I love you. And knowing what I knew... I couldn't just let him get away with that." That it gave him a purpose when he badly needed one helped, but he's sure he would have done the same anyway, to get some justice for J and the dead, and to prevent the professor from using anyone like he used the two of them again. If he had to put himself at risk to do so, it would be worth whatever came of it. Nothing without a cost. "Not what he did, and not what he took."

[beklemmt]

Put like that, J sees the past with small patches of new clarity. He made his choices, but wasn't something taken from him, too? His trust traded on, his desire to improve twisted, his ambitions bloodied. The person he used to be was already fading by the time he moved onto campus, but it's hard to know how different things might have been if he'd listened to S or persuaded some other professor to take him on, to believe in him.

That, too, has been taken from him. He'd rather know the truth than take on one more delusion, but it's difficult all the same, realizing that what he perceived as someone seeing his potential was just his being assessed as useful and malleable.

"It would have been safer," J points out gently. "But, no, I know you. Of course you couldn't." He wishes so much that it wasn't an undertaking S needed to assume, but he's thankful for it all the same — a reminder both of how loved he is and how well he's chosen. He doesn't know what their future would have looked like had he steered clear of the professor. He knows he was already having trouble, but it would have turned out differently, he's sure of that. But they have this, and maybe that's better. He smiles, small though it is. "You're too stubborn for that. I love that about you."

He's too kind for that, for that matter, and he loves J too much, but the way J sees it, both of those require a certain degree of stubbornness anyway.

[hismelody]

It's there, he thinks, one of the few things he hasn't yet worked up to addressing directly. For J to determine that doing nothing would have been safer at least seems like an implicit acknowledgment of the reasons it was dangerous, and it's almost a relief. Having made a point of not talking about it for months, S would rather it simply be understood like this than anything else. Granted, with the weight of everything and the way his head aches from crying and lack of sleep, there's every chance that he's misunderstanding, too aware of what he hasn't mentioned directly that he hears it somewhere it's not. At their best, though, he thinks they've always been able to read each other remarkably well, to pick up on what the other was saying. At their worst, everything came out wrong and was interpreted even more so. He's still, even now, haunted by that last day he went to see J, how his worry came out as control, making J think that he didn't care about his will and pushing them even further apart. Now, at least, there's nothing like that. Despite their tears, this whole conversation has gone better than he anticipated, or maybe just feared, that it would, one more reason to be quietly grateful.

"I know it would have," he murmurs, gaze dropping, though his hand doesn't. "But it was worth it. Whatever he could have done to me..." S shrugs again, letting out a slow exhale. "It didn't matter. I didn't care." When he glances up again, it's hesitant, almost apologetic. He doesn't want to say this. But he's the one who just said they should have no more secrets, and J has told him multiple times since he got here that he wants to hear these things, for S to be able to talk to him. If he doesn't say it now, S isn't sure he ever will. "I had nothing. No one. My parents were gone. You. I might've lost my scholarship for it, but I'd all but dropped out anyway." He pauses for half a beat. This, too, he's resisted saying outright. "I don't write anymore. I haven't in a long time. I barely play. So..."

He doesn't have it in him just to leave it at that, wanting even now not to upset J too much. "And you said it yourself, I'm stubborn. I couldn't just walk away. At least I got the truth out. No matter what it took."

[beklemmt]

It's a surprisingly difficult thing to hear. Deep down, of course — not even, really, that very far down — J knew that was the case, but it still hurts to hear finally put into words. Of course S doesn't write. They don't have a piano, for one thing. For another, he hopes that, with as far as they've come, S would still play for him whatever he wrote. But as long as S went off to work all week and never mentioned it, there was a chance in J's mind that he wrote there and was simply being very cautious. It would have made sense, given their history.

This, instead, is awful: S alone, entirely so, no music, no longer caring. J isn't sure how he feels now, struck both by the bravery and the desperation of that, and by how utterly awful it is that music has been taken from both of them. It's frightening, really, to think of his beautiful, passionate boyfriend, so alone he no longer cared what risks he ran. J wants to scold him for it, but his heart aches too much. It was, now, a long time ago, another world, another life, but it's still sad.

"It took too much," he murmurs, lifting a hand to S's cheek, voice steeped in sorrow. There's so much he wishes he'd done differently, so much he wants to change, but it's too late by far. "I —" His voice wobbles again, surprising himself. It's so stupid, to be emotional about saying something they both already know, but it's not like he's let himself talk about it. And like this, knowing that he was coaxed and prodded into the position he found himself in — it'll take some time for him to grasp it entirely, but already it hurts terribly, a gnawing ache in his chest, a feeling of falling. "I haven't either. Since I finished writing it. I can't." It's a different sort of can't than before. He's not sure if he'd have anything now if he tried, but he doesn't dare.

"I haven't played at all — not even when you're at work, if I go out, I — there's nowhere I'd go anyway," he says, and he feels incredibly foolish, certain he's making this about himself when they were talking about how lost S felt. "I haven't gone this long since before I could play. We learned together, and now..." He shakes his head, small and quick, as if he might shake himself clear of the threat of getting overwhelmed again. "You have me again, though. You always will. We're here, we don't have to hide." He sniffles and lets out a small, watery laugh. "Or go to school."

[hismelody]

Of the two of them, S is sadder by far for J's losses than his own, even the ones coming after the fact. It's better, he thinks, for the truth to be out there in the open, but it can't be easy to have that whole stretch of time recontextualized, a trusted mentor really a manipulative thief. J may think that it took too much from him, but S disagrees. There was nothing for it to take, really. No one but him would have been hurt by his being outed. He had no career he meant to be pursuing anymore that he was putting on the line. For him, that part, too, just makes sense. J was always the more ambitious of them, ultimately putting music first. S was less so, prioritizing their relationship. Even in J's absence, with J dead, he did the same.

It's different now, in ways that are both wonderful and terrible. Being back together, on the same page again at last, newly devoted to each other, is so much better than anything S expected he would get. However obvious it may have been, though, when they haven't talked about this at all, it hurts to hear J say it outright, that he doesn't write anymore, that he doesn't play. S understands it, he thinks, at least as much as anyone would be able to without having been in J's position, but knowing how much J has always loved it, it's still painful to consider, maybe even more so because he gets it.

"Fuck school," he mumbles, because it's the easiest place to start, and he thinks they need a moment of levity, leaning in to press a soft, brief kiss to the corner of J's mouth. "And fuck hiding." He knows why they did, of course. Futile as it may ultimately have been, he doesn't regret doing so, either. Now that they don't have to, though, he has no intention of ever going back to that. Maybe it will take them a while still to work up to doing things openly that other couples do, but he's not going to pretend anymore that he doesn't feel about J the way he very much does. For now, though, his expression softens to a sadder one, the tip of his nose brushing against J's before he draws back a little. "You have me again, too. No matter what. Whether... you ever decide you want to try writing again or not."

There's more he wants to say on that subject, too — the simple fact that's rattled around his head for months now, that he'll give up playing entirely if it keeps J from being so jealous of him again, that he should have done so years ago. With J having alluded to the sonata, though, S knows that he should say this now, while he can, rather than circling back to a subject that's already painful later. "Jae-eun-ah... that last piece you wrote, your sonata..." He winces, closing his eyes again for a moment. "That was what I meant, before. The professor... he took it. Said it was his." When he looks at J again, it's with sadness and worry and regret, but something a touch bittersweet, too. "It won."

[beklemmt]

He's ready to protest, to tell S that he won't write again, not ever. It's something J has been thinking about more lately, a quiet note of not quite right in the background of his daily life, but he knows he shouldn't do it. The cost was far too high and he can't be trusted not to do something reckless and wrong.

Before he can, though, he can feel it, the slight shift that tells him S has something else to say, even before he says his name.

He's not expecting that, though. He didn't think that far ahead or back, whichever it might be. It isn't as if he had any other music to steal, by the end, but he's been so swept up in these changes that he didn't consider that. Everything goes a little bit fuzzy, then, even the distant ringing in his ears and the warmth of tears spilling down his cheeks again.

So maybe it wasn't that the professor chose him solely for his weakness. His potential played a part after all — a big one, in fact. There's too much churning inside J's chest, a sharp surge of fury chased by dawning horror. He should be proud, probably. There was a time when he would have been, grateful and relieved to have done well. Given the circumstances under which he wrote the sonata, he would have been so thankful to have it well-received, to be able to tell himself that he'd made art of his victims, that it wasn't in vain. How stupid he was, how naïve. All the despair and the bloodshed, for what? To fuel the ego of a thief?

"I thought," he says, slow, and his words feel too thick in his mouth, "that I was disappointing him. That I wasn't good enough. Never enough. And it won?" He'd wanted that, once upon a time, desperately, and now it infuriates him. Another accolade in the professor's storied career — how many of those were lies? "All those months — all those people —" His voice breaks, and when he swallows hard, his throat feels too sharp, but it's not enough to stop him. "How can he be satisfied like that? With something that isn't even his? With all I did? All the times I thought he was pushing me to do better, that I just needed to work a little harder —" He presses his lips into a line, shaking his head. A moment later, he lowers it, leaning back into S's chest. It's so painfully unfair, J doesn't know what to do. He knows that, for all the crimes he committed, he deserves some form of punishment, but this must be too far. Some quintessential part of what made him him, he can't have for himself anymore, and the professor gets a fucking award.

[hismelody]

Expected as it might be, it hurts terribly, leaving S uncertain how to proceed, instincts at odds with each other. Part of him wants to tell J just how bad it was, all the vile, heartless things the professor said that day S went to confront him. Part of him can't bear to make this any worse than it already is. He remembers dimly, so much of their conversation a blur, when J arrived here, pointing out that part of why he could trust J after everything is because of the toll it so clearly took on him. That was especially true because he'd heard how the professor spoke about it, so cold and conscienceless in contrast to J's guilt and remorse. Under everything, it makes him angry again now, too, quietly simmering below the surface. It isn't fucking fair that J should have to carry this burden while the professor goes on thinking he did nothing wrong. There is, at least, no small amount of comfort in knowing that he succeeded in what he set out to do, that it won't matter what the professor thinks of his own actions when he's certain of what the court will think, but it's awful all the same.

"Shh, shh," he murmurs, as soothing as he can sound under the circumstances, drawing J close to him as if in another belated bid to keep him protected. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Hearing J cry, it's hard not to feel like he could cry again himself, vision blurring a little with it, and maybe a little, too, with the relief and shock of having this all out in the open at last. Most of it, at least, he's known he would tell J eventually, or that he should, that it would just be a matter of finding the right time. Actually saying it, though, is very different, somehow both heavy and a weight lifted off his shoulders at once.

Taking a shaky breath, he brushes another kiss against J's hair. "You were never not good enough," he says, just as quiet as a moment before. "He just wanted it for himself. Didn't care what it took to get it." That is, he decides, the most he should say about it for now. If J wants to hear more, or if it comes up, then he can get further into it, but right now, comforting his boyfriend is his top priority, no matter how furious he might still be. "He won't get away with it. I made sure of that before I wound up here. Everyone will know that he stole it. That his career was a lie. He didn't... It wasn't a confession, he didn't care, but he acknowledged all of it while I had a mic on."

[beklemmt]

J clings to him, letting S's words wash over him as he focuses on steadying his breath, taking it in without fully processing it. He needs a moment just to get some air, even if hiding against S's shoulder doesn't much allow for that. It's hard to understand how much of it was just himself and how much was what he was pushed and prodded into believing. Whatever the difference is, he's not even sure how much it matters. All of it stuck with him. He struggled with how he saw himself for a while, and that can't all have been the professor's doing, but certainly he didn't help, and now he carries it with him, this constant fight to convince himself of what he once knew with ferocious clarity, his own worth, invisible to so many. He worried for so long, fretted over whether his skills were real, whether he was a waste of time, whether he was a failure. Maybe he'd simply peaked earlier than he'd expected to, maybe he was letting the professor down. And every piece that was met with disdain or comments that he could do better made him spiral further, and all along — no, he knows he had trouble writing. That was real. But part of it was how much he worried about it, fussing over every phrase, unsure whether or not it worked after all. When he was younger, he wrote freely, improvised at play with S, laughed off mistakes — always passionate, dedicated, but less precise. When did he lose the ability to let those things go?

"I can't believe I never saw it," he murmurs, eyes firmly shut. "I — good. I'm glad everyone will know. But —" He shivers a little, breath catching. "What do I do now?" These last months, he's been able to console himself that, if nothing else, in avoiding music, he was doing the right thing, and that it was better not just for the safety of others but because he had no skill anyway. He'd simply flail around and fail and get desperate again. And maybe that's true. He has trouble imagining having such confidence in his work again. But he doesn't even dare try, and now it turns out he never lacked as much as he believed.

"I miss it," he whispers, a pained confession, though S knows him so well, he must have known this long before J even allowed himself to think it. "Sometimes it's okay and sometimes everything feels wrong. And I don't think — that wouldn't fix it, not everything, I know that. It's not just that, it's me. I just... it's been so long."

[hismelody]

They've never talked about it. In all the time they've been together here, S thinks he can count on one hand the number of times they've talked about music and composing at all. He's been aware of it, but he's also felt like it hasn't been his place to broach the subject, given everything that happened and the costs of J's last piece. He isn't worried, not about that happening again, but mostly he just figured that J would bring it up when he felt ready. Everything tonight has been more unexpected, however inevitable. What J says now shouldn't be, really. It isn't as if S isn't aware of the fact that J hasn't been playing or writing. That first day he brought J back here, he felt self-conscious for his lack of a piano, but when it went unremarked on, he let it go. Talking to J about it would have had to mean admitting that he'd essentially given it up, anyway, and that, too, he could never quite bring himself to do, too convinced that it would only hurt J to hear.

Now, at least, it might be the least upsetting aspect of this. To him, anyway, what J says is far worse, the quiet anguish in his voice more devastating than giving up the piano has ever been for S. He plays a little at work sometimes, anyway, when there are no customers in the store, and that's enough for him, far more comfortable than playing here would be even if he could afford a piano for them. He misses it, too, or at least the way it once made him feel. Everything was so beautiful back then, even when it was terrible. He'd always liked playing, but he fell for it in earnest as he fell for J, and he lost one when he lost the other. Having J back, though, hasn't restored the passion he once had for music, how he used to feel like he'd found what he was meant to be doing, as natural as becoming more than friends with J was. Maybe that's for the best, even if it's also, at least in part, because of what he decided months ago. J should be able to play again if he wants to, and S doesn't want to stand in his way, to let it erode their relationship like it did the first time.

"Do you want to try it?" he asks, soft, a little hopeful, if uncertain. "If you do..." He trails off for a moment, lifting one shoulder without pulling away at all. "I'm calling out for the next few days, but you could come to the store next time I close. Play a little before I lock up. And if you don't feel good about it, it's not like we can afford a piano anyway. There wouldn't be one here for you to have to look at."

[beklemmt]

For a moment, he's confused, because he doesn't remember S having mentioned before that he'd be calling out. It's only a moment, though, before it makes sense, and he's thankful for the flush of warmth that brings, the comfort of knowing S won't leave him to himself tomorrow. He hadn't thought that far ahead. After all of this, though, he doubts he'll sleep well, and this is a lot for him to have to think through on his own.

The rest makes him more hesitant. He knows, of course, what he wants. Everything else is more complicated. S knows him so well, even without their having discussed this, and he's grateful for that, too, but it still hurts to think about, hurts to have the possibility in front of him. "I don't know," he says, almost breathless with uncertainty, with despair.

In all the months he's been here, he's never felt like he might hurt someone, except, occasionally, himself. He's never acted even on that, beyond losing track of himself and scratching his arm too hard or digging his nails in too deep, and he's sure he used to do that before, too, didn't he? But back in Seoul, it isn't like he wanted to hurt people, let alone kill them. He has a temper, but not like that. He didn't actively desire to do any of that, but he still did it, and he doesn't know if that makes him more or less of a threat now. The professor urged him on, he can see that, even if the pieces are still a bit hazy, and he's not here to do that, but is that a big enough difference for it to be safe?

"I do," he admits, quick, though he's shaking his head. "But I — I'm scared." That hurts as much as anything else he's learned or done, knowing that the thing which once gave him more joy than almost anything else in the world has been so utterly corrupted that he's afraid of it. Of himself, really, but it amounts to the same thing. For a while, it didn't matter. He was so tired, so burnt out, he couldn't imagine ever writing again, or even wanting to play. "Even if I just play... what if I want to write then? I can't do that."

[hismelody]

Maybe, S thinks, this is why it's been easier — not easy, but easier — for him to walk away from what he once wholeheartedly meant to pursue. The spark was just gone. In J's absence, he couldn't really stomach it anyway, the piano that they spent so many hours playing and writing at together, the one that was his family's, brought to their studio when they moved in, only a reminder of all that he'd lost. Even before J died, that apartment was full of ghosts, feeling exponentially bigger than it actually was when he was living there alone. That only got worse when he came home from the hospital, the studio somehow at once cavernous and confining. Giving it up now, he would be doing so wholly of his own volition, for the sake of something that matters to him far more. The love he had for music has faded — still present, in a sense, but distant, far-off, something he remembers feeling more than he actually feels. The love he has for J has never waned in the slightest. He won't do anything now that might jeopardize what they've rebuilt.

There's so much in what J says, though, just I'm scared telling enough on its own, suggesting that he's walked away from it because he feels like he has to. It makes S's heart ache, frowning as he looks down at his boyfriend, though he doesn't have much of a view with J curled so close. He hardly minds, more than willing to do whatever it takes to try to comfort him even just a little.

"You won't know until you try," he points out gently. "If you do, we can figure out what to do then." The rest of what he wants to say, he bites back. Once again, there's only so much he can or should say at one time, and he doesn't want to overwhelm J too much. Pointing out that J wanting to write would be very different from the way things were back in Seoul seems like it would probably be crossing that line, however true it might be. That, too, he can ease into. For the same reason, in a way, it feels important to add on to his statement. "You don't have to, though, if you don't feel ready. There will always be some piano somewhere."

[beklemmt]

That's true, J has to admit. If he can't work up the courage now, there will be other chances. It's not something he has to rush into. Even so, the idea of it is overwhelming, both because of how much he wants it and how much he's afraid of it. It used to be so normal. It all got so twisted up, and he doesn't know how to fix it or if he even can.

"I thought it would be okay," he says, quiet, plucking at S's shirt for a way to keep his hand busy. "I finished it, I was done. It was weird not to play, but I didn't... it was better. I thought it would stay like that, but it didn't. I just don't know if I should." He might have left it like that, at least for a while longer, keeping those thoughts pushed down, something to be dealt with when and if he ever felt more equipped to handle them. Right now, though, in the wake of what he's learned, he's both bitterly sad and deeply angry, though the latter feels more like sorrow, too, than it usually does. It feels wrong. He keeps wanting to say this was taken from him, too, but he's not sure that's fair. Even if he was manipulated, he still did the things he did. He was still capable of that. If anyone took this from him, it was himself.

He draws in a deep breath and lets it out slowly. It's hard to talk. He's not tired in the way he was earlier, but he's fatigued, his head running along too many tracks too quickly too soon after waking. And because the thoughts are whirring so quickly, it's hard to process or share them, but he's also somewhat aware that he's thinking — or trying to think — through a lot of things without saying them. Some of it is hard to put into words or to say directly, but he should, perhaps, at least try. If nothing else, it might force his mind to slow down.

"I know," he says, feeling it out as he goes, "that – what you said. He — I wouldn't have done those things if I hadn't been... encouraged. But I did them." He shakes his head, helpless, and leans it against S's shoulder, his head tipping up though his eyes don't lift. "I don't want to hurt anyone. But I keep worrying I might." What he wants is to be able to say it isn't worth the risk. What troubles him is that part of him thinks it very much is.

[hismelody]

Nothing about this is easy to navigate. The things S wants to say, he knows he can't, not with any sort of certainty, no matter how sure of them he feels. When it comes just to himself, it's different. That first day he brought J back here, he decided quickly that he felt safe, and since then, he's never once felt threatened. No matter how trusting he may be, though, he isn't actually in J's head and can't speak for him. He knows that he doesn't think J will hurt anyone now, whether or not he goes back to playing the piano, to composing. It's just not his determination to make. He wishes it were, wishes there were some easy answer he could give, some way of promising J that it won't come to that again. All he can do instead is tell J how he feels, the reasons why he doesn't think that will be the case; all he can do is offer the support and encouragement that J went without for so long, no matter what he decides to do.

"You've been here months," he says, his hand slipping up to cradle J's head again, "and you haven't hurt anyone." Even now, S finds himself tempted to make a joke, to try to ease some of this tension — unless there's something you haven't been telling me on the tip of his tongue — but he can tell that now isn't the time, if there ever would be one at all. Instead, he offers another quiet truth, one thing he can say with utter certainty. "I've never felt worried, or like you might. And... yes, you did those things, but you also had no one with you but the person who was telling you to do them." Of course his sense of reason got all skewed. It doesn't remove the responsibility of it from J entirely, but it does, he thinks, alleviate it somewhat.

His other arm still wrapped around J's waist, he curls his fingers absently in J's shirt. With as focused as he's been on J, it's been easy to lose sight of how shaken he's been tonight, too, but the proximity of J is comforting, as is the fact that they're facing this together. They should have been from the start, but at least they can try to make up for it a little now. There's more, too, that he should probably say, but all of it matters less than this. "Whatever you decide, I'm with you."

[beklemmt]

J tries not to think about all of that very much, but it's impossible to avoid, and he circles back daily to those months he spent on campus, the things he did, the despair he felt. Even on his absolute worst days here, it's a little better than it was there. He still has the shame and the guilt of his crimes on his shoulders, and he always will, but it's a bit like letting in light and fresh air after staying cooped up indoors for months with the curtains drawn. He doesn't have to face it entirely on his own. He doesn't have anyone telling him how he's faltered, how he's failed. Instead he has a sounding board and encouragement and quiet, loving support. Even with all that, it's difficult to think about what he did back then, difficult to process, and the new light S had shed on that time makes things more confusing and less so all at once.

He never really felt like it was a problem, not knowing many people. Hardly anyone seemed interested in knowing him and he's always been something of an introvert anyway, and so as the circle of people he could go to diminished and faded just to one, he explained it all away so neatly, he didn't think about how much it affected his thinking, to be trapped so much in his own head. He's told himself again and again that he knew what he'd done was wrong, and he did, until he found ways to smooth that over — until the professor gave him reason to see it otherwise. But he was desperate, and that isn't the case anymore. He was alone, and he isn't now. S feels safe with him and no one, no one else ever has to know.

Licking his lips, he sighs quietly, settling into S's embrace, thankful for the stability he provides, both physically and emotionally. "I know," he says softly, a bit delayed, but earnest all the same. "I know you are. I'm so glad that you are, darling." He wouldn't be here otherwise, he's almost certain of that. It's just hard to imagine carrying all this alone anymore, the paranoia he would feel if absolutely no one knew what he'd done. He'd never stop thinking about it. With S at his side, there are long stretches of time where life feels more or less normal. Wonderful, actually. "I want to." It comes out more of a question than he means it to be. "I — no one else would be there?"

If he starts to feel poorly, whether from panic or hurt or even passing thoughts of causing harm to anyone at all, himself included, then he doesn't want anyone else around to see it. But he hates so much that even the idea of playing unnerves him this badly. For so long, he's placed the blame for that entirely on himself. Now that it turns out to be at least a little bit shared, he's determined at least to try, not to let one more thing be taken from him.

[hismelody]

Of all the things that have been said tonight, S knows that this is probably a good one, really, a positive development. Still, hearing the question in J's voice, the uncertainty, hurts in its own right. Closing his eyes for a moment, he nods, though it's not much of a response with J tucked against him like this and the light still off. This feels like the least he can do, really. As soon as he thinks so, he's all but sure that if he said as much outright, J would disagree, but certain things for him are simply a given, entirely self-explanatory. Supporting his boyfriend in whatever way he can is one of them. His best friend, really. J has long since been both, but S knows he would do the same even if J hadn't wanted to get back together months ago. He would be just as devoted no matter what their relationship looked like. Granted, there probably aren't any other circumstances anymore under which they would be wrapped up in each other's arms, in bed, in the dark like this, but for a moment, he thinks it all the same, that he would want just as much to help regardless, like that first day he brought J back here, not having any idea what would happen.

He just likes this best, the steady warmth of J in his arms, the lilt of the familiar endearment when J calls him darling. It's soothing in a way he keeps forgetting and then remembering again that he needs, too, his focus having shifted so fully to J that it catches him off-guard every time he realizes how worried he still is, how rattled, how moved. Really, it's probably going to take a while for all of this to sink in, both the fact that J saved his life, whether or not J would see it that way, and the fact that he has said all of these things now. He's meant to for ages, told himself that he would eventually, but actually doing so is one hell of a change. It has to be for the best, though. Just this conversation has gone better than he would have expected it to, despite all the crying. He snapped and scared himself in the process, blurting out something he'd kept secret for so long, but they've talked through everything instead of fighting. J was right, he thinks, months ago. Stubborn as they both are, when they face something together rather than at odds, no one else could stand a chance.

"No one but me," he confirms, voice still soft. "It would be after hours, no one could get in. And I'd be right there with you the whole time." As soon as he says it, he wonders if that might make it worse instead of better, but S pushes that thought down, trying to tell himself it's irrational. He can't take the words back now anyway. "If you got uncomfortable, you wouldn't have to play for a second longer than you wanted to."