For a moment, J just stays where he is, quiet, thinking about this, and then he's moving, wriggling around in S's grasp so he can sit up a bit better. As much as it helps to hide a little when he talks about these things, he also can't stay tucked away, taking S's comfort, when S sounds like this. He has to face him, to look at him, propped up enough that he doesn't have to rest on his hands or hold onto S, so he can reach up and touch S's cheek.
"It doesn't have to," he says. "I miss that, too, you know, when it was ours. I miss when it felt right at all. But just because I loved it first doesn't mean it's more important than you." There are, he's pretty sure, plenty of things he loved as a kid, well before he met S, that don't much matter to him anymore or that, regardless of interest, still matter a hell of a lot less than S does. There's a lot more mixed into music, and some of it is still too hard to talk about much, like how it makes him miss his mother, too, but he's pretty sure the point remains the same. "Nothing is. Nothing could be. And if I decide not to play again —"
Granted, it's still hard to say that. Even having made up his mind long ago, having the possibility slip back into existence makes it difficult to give up all over again, but that doesn't have to be forever either. He lets out a little sigh and shakes his head, thumb stroking along S's cheek. "It won't just be about you or us," he says. "I didn't say anything for a long time about it because it scares me. I scare me. But whatever happens, whatever I do... I don't want to let anything come between us again, okay? Me playing or not playing or whatever else, I won't let it. And if I stop for now, I can try again later, or I can stop if I need to, I don't know."
But if S already sees in him that spark of competition that contributed to his madness, then J doesn't see how it could possibly be worth the risk. Not, at least, now. Maybe eventually, he'll find his way back into a frame of mind where he can handle it, but it seems too much like trouble now. If it weren't for what he learned tonight, he doubts he would have brought it up anytime soon anyway. A longer wait is probably a good thing.
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"It doesn't have to," he says. "I miss that, too, you know, when it was ours. I miss when it felt right at all. But just because I loved it first doesn't mean it's more important than you." There are, he's pretty sure, plenty of things he loved as a kid, well before he met S, that don't much matter to him anymore or that, regardless of interest, still matter a hell of a lot less than S does. There's a lot more mixed into music, and some of it is still too hard to talk about much, like how it makes him miss his mother, too, but he's pretty sure the point remains the same. "Nothing is. Nothing could be. And if I decide not to play again —"
Granted, it's still hard to say that. Even having made up his mind long ago, having the possibility slip back into existence makes it difficult to give up all over again, but that doesn't have to be forever either. He lets out a little sigh and shakes his head, thumb stroking along S's cheek. "It won't just be about you or us," he says. "I didn't say anything for a long time about it because it scares me. I scare me. But whatever happens, whatever I do... I don't want to let anything come between us again, okay? Me playing or not playing or whatever else, I won't let it. And if I stop for now, I can try again later, or I can stop if I need to, I don't know."
But if S already sees in him that spark of competition that contributed to his madness, then J doesn't see how it could possibly be worth the risk. Not, at least, now. Maybe eventually, he'll find his way back into a frame of mind where he can handle it, but it seems too much like trouble now. If it weren't for what he learned tonight, he doubts he would have brought it up anytime soon anyway. A longer wait is probably a good thing.